His.

A Meeting With the Enemy.

2011-09-06T15:13:00.000-07:00

I'm glad you could join us. I invited you here because I believe some credit is due.

You are dogged; You are strategic; And there is no denying your expertise. You seem scarily keen to my fears and insecurities. You find them, you pin them down, you lean into them mercilessly and heavily with your knees. I have yet to keep a wound from your vision. Your cold and careless hands eventually find them and pull them open again. And you have been so hard at work lately. This will certainly go down in my calendar as the summer when you never slept. I must acknowledge your vigor:

You yoked my frame with ultimatums heavy as stone.
You placed before me expectations of great measure, always a distant vision to my limited abilities.
You measured my love by my performance.
You spotted my flesh with bruises.
You rendered me weak and thin.
In the night you broke into my car and stole from me.
You slandered me with the voices of those I love most.
You lied to me.
You stood between me and my comfort.
You locate my greatest gifts and tell me they aren't mine.
You find my beauty and you fabricate ugliness to distract me from it.
You made me tremble, you ran me out of my home in the middle of the night.
You breached my privacy.
You made my eyes swell and my head ache with tears.
When I was alone you enraged me.
When I would lie down you would keep me awake.
You told me I was a monster, a deceiver, a ruiner.
You made me forget what was safe.
You told me I was defenseless.
You made me fear my only Refuge. You lied about Him.
In the night you spoke with the silence and the darkness, you told me I was alone. You taunted me as I held myself.
You called me selfish, you told me I am a creature of the flesh.

...

Wait- Where are you going? Won't you own your own works? Don't you want the credit for all you have done? You have been working so hard, and you are so good at what you do. Surely you didn't do all of that for nothing. You know, I must admit- I do not understand you. I am used to the King who takes credit for the things He does. I am used to the One who stands firm and accepts the praises that are due Him. He speaks His own Name with authority and He wants everyone to be familiar with it. His Name is proclaimed by the works of His hands. But you, what is your name? Who are you? Why do you point elsewhere when I ask you these questions? Why are you content to give up the ownership of your deeds so freely? Why will you not stand still? You blow your smoke and you twist your mirrors. You are most fulfilled when I see your work but not your hand. I have discovered you. Why does that grieve you?

Well, you can relax. I told you that I believe some credit is due- but I was not talking about you. However, this involves you quite largely, so I believe you should be present for this. Listen to these words. Sit still and hear me speak them. I want you to hear this.

The credit I owe, I owe to my Father.

"Father, thank you for the ultimatums I faced which familiarized me with the Christ who grieved in Gethsemane.
Thank you for the lofty expectations which reminded me why I am under grace and not under law.
Thank you for accepting brokenness as worship when that was the only way I could love you.
Thank you for the bruises on my earthsuit, which made me long for my renewal in heaven, the promise you have protected for me.
Thank you for my weakness and my lack of health, that I may remember the true Source of my strength.
Thank you for the thief who robbed me, who reminded me that my treasures are not on earth but on Your throne, in You.
Thank you for the slander I braced, that I was able to see how the love of man will never be perfect enough for me to forget my need for You.
Thank you for labeling the lies when they arose, that I may study their antitheses and learn new truths.
Thank you for allowing my comfort to be withheld, that I may not idolize it over your purpose.
Thank you for being my greatest gift and reminding me that You are for me.
Thank you for showing me the beauty of my humanity.
Thank you for calming my tremors and forgiving me when I found my limbs governed by fear.
Thank you for saving me from blame, that secrecy may no longer have anything to defend for me.
Thank you for the tears which seasoned me and made my heart deeper.
Thank you for not being provoked by my rage.
Thank you for holding me every night in my bed, and waiting with me as I waited for sleep to come.
Thank you for identifying the enemy, not me, as the monster, deceiver, and ruiner.
Thank you for keeping me safe even when I couldn't see my own Haven.
Thank you for defending me.
Thank you for not being limited by my understanding of You.
Thank you for never leaving me alone.
Thank you for reminding me that I am not of the flesh, but the Spirit.

But most importantly, thank you for using my enemy to sanctify me and remind me of Your greatness. May he continue to have his way with me,
that I may know You more,
that my worship may be deepened,
that he may continue to be a blessing to me,
and that I may continue to remind him of his irreversible curse.

I love You. Thank you for recommending me to the enemy and allowing him to be used by You to glorify Yourself in my life. After all, it is true that all things come together for the good of those who love You."

One Decision.

2011-06-07T07:25:00.000-07:00

I want to tell you about my last desire.

It is not my last desire because it is the last one standing, or because all other desires have fallen away.

It is my last desire because in all its intensity, in all its strength, in all its depth, in all its ability to rule and govern my heart, it has eclipsed everything else I could want.

More than my womanhood wants the committed love of a man,
More than my womb wants to someday bear my own innocent children,
More than I want to meet up with my own future bought for me by student loans and hours of studying,
More than I want my next breath,
Do I want you to experience Jesus with a heart that sees by the eyes of faith.

Because you are one decision away.

One decision away from a clean slate. One decision away from the loose ends of your life starting to come together and make sense.
One decision away from experiencing what it is like to have your own Creator dancing around you, eager to show you what He has made, eager to show you what He has seen, eager to show you His own undying heart for you.

He is a humble Father. Humble-- that He would think it worth His time to set so much glory and beauty and care in your heart of flesh. Humble-- that He became flesh so that His flesh might be ripped away to utter the most costly and irrefutable "I love you" ever spoken by man. He is a mighty Father. Mighty-- that He rose again to say to death, "excuse me." Mighty-- that He has the power and desire to step in front of you and say to death, "you cannot have him/her."

When you tremble, He is still. When you are confused, He is unchanging. When you feel alone, you have His people. When you feel lost, you have His book. When you suffer despair, you have His Spirit in you. And when you doubt, faith patiently waits for you, and it suffers no lost time.

You are one decision away from abundance. One decision away from Life with a capital "L."

You are one decision away from realizing that you are a creation of the only Creator. That He spends all His creation for the purpose of loving you.

In vanity I have pursued other religions. I sought them out because I wanted to be spiritual, to find something that fit me. But logic tells us that there is something that is True, and something that is False. Something that is God, and something that is not. We do not get merits in heaven for the "number of souls we save." We do not keep tallies. We have no personal gain other than the inexplicable joy and relief we experience when a dear brother or sister steps into the Light and begins to dance for the first time. No, I am not saying these things to you because I am interested in numbers. I am not saying these things because I am brainwashed into being a spiritual salesman. I say these things to you now because I know Him; I have experienced the only God that moves. He is so alive.

You can be Buddhist. You can be Taoist. You can be undecided. I have been all three. But let me assure you- those things will not love you. They will not move. They cannot carry you, because there is no God behind them. I am telling you these things now because I have found the ultimate goldmine-- the singular decision that stood between me and the God of the universe.

And as long as I love you
I cannot know you
and know Him
and know that you do not know each other
and be okay.

I submit these words to you with every ounce of love in my heart, knowing that I cannot make this decision for you. It is the easiest and hardest thing you will ever do. Because while it is a singular decision, it is the only decision that requires 100% faith. The decision is yours to make. But I could not leave these things unsaid or bow to fear that I might scare you away with the power that is behind these words. Because when it comes to eternity and true Life, who cares about an awkward moment?

Love me.

2011-05-03T17:54:00.000-07:00

(I did not write this- but found it- and had to share it, because I can relate to it so much and could not agree more with its contents.)

-------------------------------

I love you.
Don’t ask me why—or how—because I don’t understand.
Being human, I’ve always preferred a certain type in looks and personality.
Some I’d feel quite comfortable with, and others I would avoid.
You are all so very different.
And I don’t even know your personality types.
Yet there is this love. Please believe me.
It’s Something within me so strong that it causes me to reach out and touch you and say, "I love you."

Please love me.

Not because of my looks or personality, because I know you must have your preferences, too.
And I may not meet your qualifications.
Don't expect great things of me—I’m prone to stumble and even fall.
And please don’t expect me to perform perfectly. I would disappoint you.
If your love for me depends on my performance, I’m afraid you won’t love me for very long.
All I ask is that you accept me as I accept you.
I won’t ask you, "How could you really love me?"
Don’t ask me, "How could you love so many and know so little about them?"
I’ll just believe that there is this same Something within you that causes
you to reach out to me
and say,

"My Dear Brother/Sister. I love you, too."

The Weariness of Motions.

2011-04-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

I felt sleepy and bored, so I lay there in my bed. But what started out as mere boredom and physical fatigue quickly snowballed into indescribable and severely uncomfortable Homesickness. I was heavyhearted.

I looked to my desk and saw my textbooks. I didn't want to study.
I looked at my laptop and didn't want to write.
I looked at my Bible and didn't know what to read.
I hugged myself and looked at the ceiling, and realized I didn't want to do anything. Not as long as I had to do it here. My soul was weary.

"No matter what I do, it would feel like waiting," I told Him. "God...I'm tired."

The more I thought about going to sleep again, waking up again, getting dressed again, gathering more documents for financial aid, turning in another assignment, making another life plan... the more pointless it all became to me.

The weariness of my soul at the mere thought of living life motion-by-motion turned into physical discomfort. I cried. Anything I could think to do seemed futile and vain. I was so discouraged. Shouldn't I be motivated by the purpose He has given me? Shouldn't I be strengthened, since I am equipped with His Spirit in me? I remembered a moment I enjoyed a couple weeks ago in which I sat in silence and marveled at the ebb and flow, up and down, coming and going of life.

I was sitting on the floor next to my roommate who was in tears on the phone as she learned that her grandma was fatally sick and approaching death. I caressed her leg and smiled at her, then looked straight ahead and beheld the beauty of it all. The struggle, the glory, the simple beauties of merely living as people do. And then, the best part: leaving it all behind. Going forth to worship Him, unhindered, for eternity in the fullness of His presence. In that moment, I found life beautiful and worth it. So worth it.

So I thought, "Why, then, am I burdened by it now?" Why do I feel weary when I am simply lying in bed?

The reason: in that moment with my roommate, I saw life through a relational perspective. I sat shoulder-to-shoulder with my God and said to Him in my heart with wonder, "We are just living life," -to which I heard, "It's beautiful, isn't it?"

But in this moment as I lay heavyhearted and Homesick in my bed, I saw life as a series of motions, and they were therefore empty of any significance to me.

It was a heavy feeling. But the reason I am posting such personal things on the internet is because I see this experience as an opportunity to remember and proclaim the importance of knowing Him. And I am talking to Christians, here.

Because you don't become immune to that feeling that everything is meaningless when you become a Christian. In fact, I could see how you would be more prone to it. Before I knew Jesus, I "found" purpose and meaning in many things. Everywhere I looked, there was an opportunity to convince myself that I had found purpose and fulfillment. A relationship. School. Friends. Approval. Self-improvement. Self-made spirituality. Education. Beauty. Helping the community. Random experiences of joy. I jumped from one to the next because each one could never convince me for long.

But when I started knowing Jesus, my purpose was simplified to one thing that is exclusive to all other things: abiding in Him. There is no other purpose. I cannot be satisfied doing anything else without also doing that. When I think about being in a relationship, going to school, having friends- anything- it is meaningless to me if I cannot live this life with the purpose of knowing and loving Him.

"For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him?"
(Ecclesiastes 2:25)

Everything else is futile! What can I become that will not pass away when I pass away? What can I do that has not been done? Assignments are worked on so they can be turned in and forgotten. Good grades are distributed so I may be permitted to keep studying and accumulate more. Bills are paid so new ones can be mailed in. If I perceive life at this face value- YES, I am going to feel immediately deflated, alone, discouraged, and ready for Heaven.

"All the rivers flow into the sea, yet the sea is not full. To the place where the rivers flow, there they flow again. All things are wearisome; man is not able to tell it. The eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor is the ear filled with hearing."
(Ecclesiastes 1:7-8)

But when I see life as an opportunity to have a relationship with Him who created me and loves me, I am inspired, assisted, encouraged, and still ready for Heaven.

"Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love."
(John 15:9)

Oh, what a difference it makes.

--------

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and become tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the Lord will gain new strength; they will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary."
-Isaiah 40:28-31

A Victory Not Our Own

2011-03-30T12:11:00.000-07:00

My roommate bleeds Butler Blue.

With newspaper cutouts, pennants, balloons, posters, and pompoms taking over her closet door, corkboard, and every wall on her side of the room, Tabitha recently asked me if she could start spreading her Butler paraphernalia to other walls to make space for the posters she has waiting for her in a stack on her dresser.

On game days, my other roommate and I always have a looming anxiety about what will happen on the court. Yes, we are proud of our team and always want "our boys" to win, but we are also concerned about Tabitha's emotional well-being. When the Dawgs bring in another victory, Tabitha is high as a kite with unbreakable joy- checking airline prices so she can see the next tournament game in person, adding more pictures of Matt Howard and Brad Stevens to what she proudly calls her "stalker door," and rejoicing greatly in their hard-earned victory. But- when we lose- make way, there will be tears. And her school assignments will be put on hold, and it is a quiet, somber day in room 12. I can't tell you how many times I have heard her say, "We cannot afford to lose this week…I have an exam on Friday!"

She is going to hate me for posting this, by the way. :)

But the truth is- I love this about her! I thoroughly enjoy being caught up in this drama of battle and victory and team-pride. March Madness has brought such a triumphant air to the entire campus, and I am soaking it up.

Now that I have exposed some of my roommate's qwerks, let me also expose mine. I can be a real spiritual nerd- I seriously over-spiritualize everything. So yes- what looks like a blog post about sports is about to become a blog post about Jesus. Surprised? Here goes:

It's the night of the Sweet Sixteen game, and Butler is playing Wisconsin. The game has been so stressful, and a huge crowd of Butler students are watching together on a projector screen with anticipation so thick you could cut it with a knife. My ears have been ringing for the past hour and my throat is on fire. Occasionally I black out from standing up and screaming too fast, but that does not keep me from roaring with the utmost enthusiasm at every free-throw and three-pointer. It is nearing the end of the game, and the results are looking more and more promising. Two students begin to open the outside doors, and everyone gathers their things and throws on their jackets while they scream and roar and clap on the victory we know is soon to come.

And surely, as soon as that final buzzer sounds and our team rakes in another win, a mass of blue and white rushes for the doors. I am in the midst of this crowd, and so is my friend Brittany. Next thing I know, at least half of the student body is outside in the streets, jumping, hollering, and crowding around news cameras. There is crowd surfing, flag waving, and people sitting on their friends' shoulders with war paint on their faces chanting the Butler cheer. After a while, Brittany and I separated from the crowd to give our bodies a rest.

"Look at them…" I said as we stood facing them from afar. She did, and I know she saw what I saw. We saw a loud, unabashed celebration of victory- the physical manifestation of what we often feel in our souls.
"They are celebrating the victory of a battle they didn't even fight," I said. And I saw the light-bulbs light up above her head.
I continued, "And they are loud about it! Boasting! The victory of the ones who fought on their behalf belongs as much to them as the players who earned it."

We were suddenly even more encouraged to behold the celebration that was taking place before us.Then we walked away, remembering that we are tailored with human needs according to what the Gospel provides.

"Let him who boasts, boast in the Lord."
-1 Corinthians 1:31

"But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through the Lord Jesus Christ."
-1 Corinthians 15:57

Light.

2011-03-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God as moving over the surface of the waters.
-Genesis 1:2

God saw that the light was good; and God separated the light from the darkness.
-Genesis 1:4

Then Jesus again spoke to them, saying, "I am the Light of the world; he who follows Me will not walk in the darkness, but will have the Light of life."
-John 8:12

But as many as received Him, to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name
-John 1:12

See how great a love the Father has bestowed on us, the we would be called children of God; and such we are. For this reason the world does not know us, because it did not know Him. Beloved, now we are children of God..
-1 John 3:1-2

and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ
-Romans 8:17

I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened, so that you will know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the surpassing greatness of His power toward us who believe.
-Ephesians 1:18-19

The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I have hope in Him." The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him.
-Lamentations 3:22-25

A Lily to Her Apple Tree

2011-03-16T14:34:00.000-07:00

Bridegroom:
"Like a lily among thorns, so is my darling among the maidens."

Bride:
"Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men."
-Song of Songs 2:2-3

I am a lily
in a field among my sisters.
The Father's hand is the soil
and in it we are planted.
His veins are the roots
and from them we drink life.
His glory is our light
and because of it we grow
and in it we are beautiful.

In His light my majesty shows.
The posture of my stem, my spine
the softness of my petals, my skin.
In His light my purity glows
the brightest of white,
the truest of beauty.
For I am a lily
in a field among my sisters.

He blows His breath upon us
and under it we bend.
And over His palm it carries
the lure of our sweet scent
and the tune our waiting song.

Across His palm and over the hill
our song dances
and it lands among the forest.
In the forest where he is planted-
the tree for which I wait.

In the light which is my glory
he is also growing.
In the breath which is my life
he is also living.
And the sweetness
that is my fragrance
in him is bearing fruit.
And by this fruit I will know him
when he grows above the hill.

Over the crest I will see him;
above the rest, I will love him.
The strength of his stalk
will set him apart
among the fruitless others-
his brothers, with whom he grows.

And when the King blows
His breath through my petals
the sweet breath will carry
my fragrance to the hills.
and it will dance amongst the leaves
of my beloved's mature branches.

Because of its sweetness he will search
in the field which sways below him,
my sisters and I
dancing to our waiting song.
Then my tree, my beloved,
In your sight you will behold
what seems to you as a patch of thorns,
my sisters,
amongst the beauty of just one lily:
me.

But waiting hardly feels like waiting
when my soil is His hand,
and my life comes from His veins,
and I bend by His gentle breath,
and His glory is my light,
in which I am beautiful.
So to Him I sing my waiting song.

For you have not yet grown
beyond the crest of the hill.

Life like Wine

2011-02-03T11:07:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have been feeling uneasy about my future.

It started while I was listening to an incredibly dull lecture on a Tuesday evening about two weeks ago. I sat there and stared at the powerpoint screen and my mind began to wander. As I was stewing in my dislike for the class I was in, I realized that I don't enjoy most of my classes. I thought, "If this is how much I can expect to enjoy my future career, I want out."

I spent a few minutes just sitting there and feeling discouraged. I am spending so much money to be at this university. I don't want to be find myself tens of thousands of dollars in debt and six years older just to be bored with life and too poor to do anything about it. I don't want to be a career woman. I never did! With each passing thought, I saw myself taking off the peace He had dressed me with and leaving my garment of rest behind. I was becoming less and less comfortable.

But then I had a sobering thought: Your God has been wow-ing you since you have known Him- and 6 years and thousands of dollars later, He will still be your God.

I found my rest again when I remembered Him. I relaxed again and resigned to just trust Him. (That is always my favorite decision to make!)

Last night I was flipping through my Bible, and I wanted to look up verses about His promises for my future. Proverbs 23:18, Jeremiah 29:11, stuff like that. But I was distracted by the Gospel of John. Ah, it has such a lovely introduction. I started at the beginning and I kept reading it. And then I came across this:

His mother said to the servants, "Whatever He says to you, do it." Now there were six stone waterpots set there for the Jewish custom of purification, containing twenty or thirty gallons each. Jesus said to them, "Fill the waterpots with water." So they filled them up to the brim. And He said to them, "Draw some out now and take it to the headwaiter. So they took it to him. When the headwaiter tasted the water which had become wine, and did not know where it came from (but the servants who had drawn the water knew), the headwaiter called the bridegroom, and said to him, "Every man serves the good wine first, and when the people have drunk freely, then he serves the poorer wine; but you have kept the good wine until now."
-John 2:5-10

I put my Bible down and I just sat there for a few minutes, because I noticed something I had never understood before: Jesus' first miracle was entirely accomplished by obedience. Jesus did not touch a single thing! Did those servants know why they were filling these incredibly heavy jugs with insane amounts of water?

I imagined what they must have been thinking. "How is THIS supposed to get us wine? We just want wine!" And I remembered myself sitting in my Tuesday night class. "How is THIS supposed to bring me joy and glorify You? I just want a radically devoted life!"

Those people did as Jesus said, not knowing of His intentions. And wine was created. Those who knew Him knew that they had just witnessed a miracle. Those who did not know Him just knew that wine was found, and that it was some darn good wine.

I put my Bible away and thought, "I want my life to be like that."

And I felt encouraged, because I trust in His faithfulness and I know that it will be.

the truth about you

2011-01-31T11:44:00.000-08:00

I want to show you what God has shown me:

"How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You to dwell in Your courts. We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, Your holy temple."
-Psalm 65:4

"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and His Spirit dwells in you?"
-1 Corinthians 3:16

Is it possible that we could worship Him by simply finding satisfaction with what He has done with us to make us new?

"for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are."
-1 Corinthians 3:17

"Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, the new things have come."
-2 Corinthians 5:17

Shall we put on the lens of God, or continue to see as man sees and therefore lock ourselves away from this satisfaction that promises to bring us freedom and rest?

"What God has cleansed, no longer consider unholy."
-Acts 10:15

"Cease striving and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations; I will be exalted in the earth."
-Psalm 46:10

"For God sees not as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."
-1 Samuel 16:7

Then will you be ashamed of what He sees in your heart? Do you fear He will look upon you and find only filthiness? Listen to this:

"Such were some of you, but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God."
-1 Corinthians 6:11

"by the grace of God I am what I am, and His grace toward me did not prove vain."
-1 Corinthians 15:10

If your faith is in Christ, this is the truth about you.

The American Identity Crisis

2011-01-09T22:23:00.000-08:00

For nearly a year I prayed that God would reveal to me the mystery of His grace.

I wanted more than the ability to write out a textbook definition of it- I wanted my understanding of it to irrevocably set me free, to make it's way into the depths of my soul and redefine the way I see and hear and love and believe. I wanted to live and breathe grace. Last summer was a difficult one for me. It was a spiritual season marked by a very weary heart. Psalm 13 pretty much sums it up. But it was where God wanted me, because in this season my desperate thirst for an understanding of grace only grew deeper. You know you are really reaching when you find yourself Googling "what is my identity in Christ." Yeah, hard summer.

But that was where I was: I unshakably believed in the ransom and resurrection of Christ and I knew that it meant forgiveness for me, but I did not know that I was a new creature because of it. Let me rephrase that: I knew it, but I did not accept it. I kept praying. I prayed and yearned so hard, that I can recall the very moment when He first answered. August 21, 2010, at a stone table outside of the Starbucks on campus at midnight with a dear friend- God began to show me just how new I am because of Jesus.

Since August of last year, I have been caught up in the magnificence of God's grace and what it means of my identity in Christ. It has been a season of discovery, rest, and sheer, exuberant joy! It is a season I have asked God to give to every believer, and I have asked many times.

Right now I am reading a book by Brennan Manning called "The Ragamuffin Gospel." It is a book about the very things God has been showing me about His grace: that I did not earn it, and that the American church so often overlooks it because she is caught up in how to work harder, pray more passionately, read more often, sin less, fix herself up for God, make herself holy, be more righteous, and so on. When in truth- she is holy. She is an adorned and desired, righteous Bride. She is one in flesh with Christ, completely inseparable. She is magnificent in His sight, no matter how dark her deeds, no matter how transient her memory of her Savior, no matter how inadequate her understanding of His greatness!

But culture makes her feel ugly, dirty, depraved. "Do this, and God will be pleased. Hold fast to this regimen, and you will be more righteous. Act right, and God will be near to you." As if His faithfulness to us depended on our faithfulness to Him. As if His presence is a special occasion. As if our righteousness was a "if you're good enough" phenomenon that comes and goes depending on the integrity and holiness of our deeds.

No. That's old school. It's Old Covenant! For me, so much of this journey of understanding my role in the New Covenant has simply been a gradual realization that most of what the American church yearns for, strives for, and asks for has already been accomplished.

Lord, I am desperate for your touch, yearning for your presence.
"Do you not know that you are a temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you?" (1 Corinthians 3:16)

God, make me holy.
"...for the temple of God is holy, and that is what you are." (1 Corinthians 3:17)

I just want to please you!
"and those who are in the flesh cannot please God. However, you are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if indeed the Spirit of God dwells in you." (Romans 8:8-9)

Please do not punish me for my lack of faith..
"What then? If some did not believe, their unbelief will not nullify the faithfulness of God, will it? May it never be!" (Romans 3:3-4)

I just want a new heart, one that isn't sick.
"I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe my ordinances." (Ezekiel 36:26-27) And Jesus did this (John 14:16-17).

----------------------------------------------

Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.
-2 Corinthians 5:17

A Roaring Vitality

2010-12-20T19:47:00.001-08:00

Lord Jesus, I want you to use me entirely. Spend me. Use the life of Christ to show me your Romance. Use the life of Emily to show others Christ. Lord, I so solidly believe that you are the only way. You are all that is true, the source and the essence of everything that has ever fixed me and set me right. Your Name fills me with a warm and healing remembrance of your holiness...just the mere utterance of it makes me sink into your kindness and shudder at your power. I love you, Lord Jesus. I fear you. I need you- so crucially and urgently do I need you! My soul knows no difference between my passion for you and my necessity for you- either way, I cannot fathom not knowing you. I can feel you in me; you are vital. You are my breath. You are my heartbeat. My will for continuation, my life-force, my everything. You are my spine- my scaffold of strength. You are the only refined part of me. You are love, you are grace. You roar and pour out inside of me till my soul swells with worship and my heart overflows with rest and thankfulness that words cannot express! You are the Lord. Jesus Christ of Nazareth. My Messiah, Savior, Lion and Lamb- my cloud by day and my fire by night. You are my skin. Without you, I would burst to pieces, no longer held together. My every fiber and sinew and cell screams out my need for you. It is such a satisfying ferocity that is entirely divine, undeniably dangerous, and indescribably deep. You are my Creator- I simply can't forget it. Yet I also cannot fathom it.

All of that to say, "I love you, O Lord, my strength." (Psalm 18:1)

I am so in love with your grace, that I must never know what it is like to be outside of your presence! I must never experience your wrath. My need for you will never be met by the lack of you. Lord God, your presence with me is irrevocable and eternal. My righteousness is not debatable; it is Christ in me, the hope of glory. I desire for my need for you to be the first and only thing anyone ever knows of me- let it be proclaimed and celebrated! I have you, so my need for you cannot be distinguished from worship. How great are you, God? In heaven, I will understand.

I love you.

Childish

2010-11-17T12:25:00.000-08:00

As I walked outside of the Starbucks, I immediately started complaining -out loud, mind you- about how cold the breeze was. "Colder than I want it to be, Jesus...colder than I want it to beee!!" I immediately began to laugh at myself. I thanked Him that it wasn't colder, bundled up a bit tighter, and I started walking home. I considered taking the sidewalk like everyone else, but I couldn't resist crunching the leaves on the grass with my feet. With a smile, I stepped off of the concrete and walked through the vast space of grass and leaves. And then, I remembered that I am an adult? But I hadn't felt like more of a child all week.

I skipped a little, and I said "God, I am your child!" Then as I got lost in thought, I started to forget the leaves; I was thinking about what it means to be a child.

The children I know don't know what is best for themselves. They complain at discomfort and become giddy from pleasure. If they were left to themselves, they would pursue that which feels good rather than that which IS good. They don't understand discipline and rebuke until after they submit to it. They are still growing. They are dependent. They are playful. They are easily confused. Easily deceived. Vulnerable. They need to be reminded to settle down. They are self-centered. Their foolishness is endearing- They are downright adorable.

And when they act against their parents' wishes, they are still their parents' child.

I began to smile again. And as I hopped up on the curb to balance on it as I walked, I thanked God for this revelation.

"'And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to Me,' says the Lord Almighty."
-2 Corinthians 6:18

Trust.

2010-11-16T12:01:00.000-08:00

I have been praying this week that when I have an inability to relate to my brothers and sisters in Christ that it would not affect my ability to encourage them. I have not had many words to offer to my sisters who are struggling with anxiety, shame, frustration, and the like. To me, everything comes down to trusting Jesus.

And I know that (especially for women) it can be hard to see trust as a decision rather than an emotion. So while a sister in Christ is telling me all about her frustration, her present inability to fall back into rest and find the praise in her heart, "trust Jesus" is not really what she wants to hear. I just know they are thinking, "okay- then how?" or "really, you think I didn't want to trust Jesus?"

But that is the only advice I have; that is where my wisdom ends!

You feel ugly and insecure?
Well, trust Jesus, because He is your beauty and He faithfully desires you.

You feel frustrated and angry?
Trust Jesus, because He has calmed the waters before and He will do it again.

You feel anxious?
Trust Jesus, because it is He who works for the good of those who love Him- not you.

You feel indecisive?
Trust Jesus. Because if you just follow Him, you'll realize that was the only decision you ever had to make.

You feel unwanted?
Trust Jesus, because His crucifixion and resurrection are proof that you aren't.

You feel ashamed or embarrassed?
TRUST JESUS- because the splendor of His righteousness in you is all you are held accountable for and everything else is soon to pass away.

You feel inadequate for the road ahead?
Trust Jesus, rest on His back, and watch as He eagerly carries you through it with strength and patience. Has He not done this for you many times before? Will He not gladly do it again?

If any of this pertains to you, please know that God is with you, and I have already been praying for you!

Jesus is it. There is no catch phrase, no list of "how-to's," no set of quick and easy steps that all begin with the letter 'R' that will ever fix your worries or satisfy you quite like trusting Jesus. If you are worn out, broken, frustrated, overwhelmed, at the end of your rope, burdened, tired, done- read this:

"Trust in HIm at all times, O people; Pour out your heart before Him; God is a refuge for us. Selah.."
-Psalm 62:8

"For thus the Lord God, the Holy One of Israel,has said, 'In repentance and rest you will be saved, in quietness and trust is your strength' But you were not willing."
-Isaiah 30:15

"Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an Everlasting Rock."
-Isaiah 26:4

Grace, Justice, Mercy- Betrothal.

2010-11-08T20:32:00.000-08:00

In Romans 7, Paul writes out my favorite description of our roles in this New Covenant of grace. He starts by explaining the role of the Law in the Old Covenant, while reiterating that while the Law did not have the power to save us from our flesh, the Law was still good- it was perfect.

Paul describes this transition from the Old Covenant to the New with a metaphor of adultery and marriage. He explains that once a man and a woman are married, it would be considered adultery if the woman had affairs with any other man but her husband for as long as her husband is alive. Yet, if he dies, she is free from the bondage of that law and is permitted to have relations with another man, without being held accountable to that law against adultery. In the same way that her husband's death sets her free from the bondage of that law, so also does the death of Christ, OUR husband, set us free from the bondage of all law. We can no longer be held accountable for it, because just like the wife whose husband has died, it no longer applies to us.

But the use of this metaphor of marriage in explaining our new identities in Christ does not end there.

Consider earthly marriage, how it is but a physical representation of the unity of the spiritual marriage- the Bride to her Bridegroom, the Church to her Savior Christ. When a man and a woman marry, they become one flesh. They are an inseparable unit. When God calls the husband to a specific nation and says "go," He also calls the wife. When God convicts the wife, He also convicts the husband. When one faces hardship, so does the other. There is no difference, there is no distinction between them.

So if we are married to Christ, then what happens to Christ happens to us. What happened to Christ? He was punished for all sin. He was risen again to live eternally in victory and righteousness, never again to suffer separation from the Father.
It is the same with us.

The hook:
A lot of people are challenged by the idea that God can be just, merciful, and gracious at the same time. They say, "If justice is getting what you deserve, and mercy is not getting what you do deserve, and grace and getting what you don't deserve, HOW can God do all of those three things without contradicting Himself?"

:) well,

as always, the answer is Jesus.

-We are one with Christ in marriage. And if He was already punished, that means we were already punished. It would not be just for God to punish us AGAIN, would it? So that takes care of His justice.

-But we deserve hell according to the things we do. But because we are one with Christ, His inheritance is our inheritance, and where He goes, we go. And that certainly is not hell, for He was the only one to fulfill the Law. Boom, mercy.

-And even though we deserve hell for the things we do, we are righteous because Christ is righteous. Our identity is no longer defined by what we do as it was in the Old Covenant. And our righteousness allows for our sin to be pardoned by God, therefore we can approach Him in freedom and intimacy, knowing that His wrath has already been satisfied. Enjoying a personal, eternal, freedom-filled, victorious relationship with the God of the universe, the Creator and Governor of all things, our incomprehensively kind and endlessly compassionate friend? That is the very definition of grace, in my book.

grace, mercy, justice, Jesus.

"I will betroth you to Me forever; Yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and in justice, in lovingkidness and in compassion, and I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness. Then you will know the Lord."
Hosea 2:19-20

I encourage you, saints, not to give in to the bondage of obsessing with what you do instead of what you believe. God's pleasure in you, His favor, His delight, His affections, His commitment- it cannot be earned outside of faith. You are not what you do- you are the righteousness of whatever god you follow, and there is only one righteous God. His name is Jesus.

"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery"
-Galatians 5:1

Don't regress to the Old Covenant and hold yourself against rules and codes! Trust God, and you will find that you act righteously simply as an outpouring of your love for Him and trust in Him.

This is the good news.

Abba, Ishi, Yeshua

2010-11-01T21:19:00.000-07:00

No matter how drastically my emotions may rise and fall- from the peeks of affection to the pits of apathy- my Abba loves me steadily with unwavering delight and unprecedented persistence.

Though sometimes my awareness of His presence is enough to leave me wordless, breathless, senseless- in all other instances I can rest assured that His presence is a reliable truth and no longer a special occasion.

When my wisdom and my courage grow thin and distant, my hope does not have to- for I have the flawless Word and the omnipotent Spirit guiding me from within.

Though I sin again and again, it shall never be an open door for shame or burden, but for intimacy with and reverence for my Savior- who is my righteousness, my victory, my joy, my very life.

Though fear may come and go, it has no power over my feet and no influence on my destiny. I can dance forward with joy and security because I know Him- I know that His every word is a promise, that His promises are true, that they invalidate my obstacles and set eternity in my heart.

But what is greater? He knows me, and loves me still.

What do I need that cannot be found in Him? I need a daddy; He is my Abba. I need a husband; He is my Ishi. I need a Savior; He is Yeshua.

Come, Lord Jesus..

2010-10-08T10:07:00.001-07:00

The other night I was driving alone while the sun was setting in front of me. My day had been full of noise and I craved silence, so I turned the music off. I rolled up to a stop light. As I waited I looked around at the other cars who were waiting with me. I looked up at the beautiful colors in the sky, and saw how the darkness and the light came together so beautifully. The linings of the clouds just glowed. I tapped on my steering wheel. Kept waiting. But I was not waiting for the light to turn green.

I rolled down the window and stuck my head outside. I looked up. My heart begged for Him to descend on one of those glowing clouds. For the Earth to shake. For the angels to come with their bowls and trumpets. For all the decadent shrines and statues of empty gods to crumble to the ground. For us to put our cars in park and step outside- with jaws dropped, hair standing on end, our fear and hope thriving- while we witness the beginning of the end, the coming of His Kingdom.

My heart is absorbed in the hope of His returning- and that is not because I grieve the life I have on Earth. It's because His Spirit and His Word have revealed to me that this life, which I enjoy so much, is only a glimpse of the abundant life to come- what it will be like in the New City.

"I saw no temple in it, for the Lord God the Almighty and the Lamb are its temple. And the city has no need of the sun or of the moon to shine on it, for the glory of God has illumined it, and its lamp is the Lamb."
-Revelation 21:22-23

"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.' And He who sits on the throne said, 'Behold, I am making all things new."
-Revelation 21:3-5

Brothers and sisters- your destiny is determined by the present and promised victory of Jesus Christ!

It cannot be revoked.
It cannot be overcome.
It cannot be altered.
It is promised by the One who is true.

"I, the Lord, have spoken and I will do it." (Ezekiel 36:36)

The story we are a part of is not like every other good story where there is a good guy, a bad guy, the good guy fights the bad guy, there's a climax, the good guy wins, and then everyone enjoys a happy ending.

This is REAL.This is going to happen, and we already know who is going to win.

"These [evil ones] will wage war against the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, because He is Lord of lords and King of kings, and those who are with Him are the called and chosen and faithful."
-Revelation 17:14

If Jesus is your god, that's you.You are going to be there; this is your story too.

"he who has an ear, let him hear.." and for he who doesn't, "taste and see."

2010-09-24T22:24:00.000-07:00

Since the beginning of my college career here at Butler, I have earnestly desired to serve God with my studies. I wanted a ministry, not a major. Many aspects of this new chapter of my life were challenging for me. Why haven't I found a major to serve Him with? Why did He lead me to secular campus? Why did He lead me to a campus at all? Why not a war-stricken, impoverished, or Godless nation? Why am I in the company of wealthy and brilliant students and not orphans, lepers, widows, or drug addicts?

In the beginning, I took His purposes for granted. I saw almost every other "calling" as a higher calling than mine. "Yeah, look at me- really serving the Lord alright... here at this picturesque, wealthy American university. Just look at me go!" When I looked at my own life, I saw the onset of the American Dream, not a life geared toward Kingdom Business.

(But, just for the record, I was wrong.) :)

As always, He displayed His purposes, His faithfulness, and His wisdom at the perfect time, and I am left to do nothing but praise Him for it, follow Him, and- I suppose- blog about it!

So, enough background information. I want to share what He is doing!

I declared a Speech Pathology major and a Religion minor. (Yeah, I know, they don't go together at all! But they both have the same purpose, which is His glory.) I declared this major because I felt led in that direction through prayer. The more I prayed about His direction for my life, the more my passion for the deaf church increased. With each passing day, my desire to be involved in deaf ministry grew in hope, intensity, and motivation.

I started going to a senior living community nearby every Friday. I go there to visit the deaf residents and practice my signing, but most importantly, to build relationships with them in the name of the Lord. And without fail, there has not been a single time that I have attended when we did not end up signing about God.

In my first visit, I met a woman named Bethany. She asked me, "what made you want to learn sign language?" I replied, signing that it was where the Lord had led me, and I told her about my desires to serve in the deaf church.

The way her eyes lit up, I knew I would see her in heaven. I saw Christ in her. For the rest of the visit, I played cards with the women there, enjoyed their ornery pranks and jokes, and worshiped my God in my heart for the ministry He was opening up to me.

It had been hours, and I told Bethany I had to head back to campus. She stood up, and gave me such a strong hug! When we let go, she signed, "Emily, I will pray for you." I said I would pray for her too, and I left.

I got in the elevator, and the doors closed. When I was alone there, the thought of that beautiful, deaf woman signing to God caused me to sob and lift up my head to say "thank you, Lord, for being what we need most!"

The next time I visited, I met a man I will never forget. His name is Billy. When Bethany led me to his room, she stopped outside of his door to tell me that not only is he deaf, but he is also blind. She told me this and immediately turned around and opened the door, leaving me no time to respond or process what she had just told me. I didn't have any words, anyway. My heart was gripped.

She gently rubbed his shoulders and he lifted up his hands. She took his hands so he could feel her sign to him, "it's Bethany. I am here with a friend, she is over there." She pointed towards me, and he turned his body to show me a sweet smile, even though he couldn't see mine.

Bethany grabbed my arm and put my hand in his hands. I didn't know what to do but hold them, so I did. I placed one hand on his, and he placed his on mine. I put my other hand on top, and caressed his hand with my thumb. We stayed there, and I looked at him. Even though I had never seen him before, I could tell that the smile on his face was not the kind of smile he fashions regularly.

My eyes got hot and my heart felt swollen. We walked out of his room, and I saw a cross hanging on his door. As I passed it, I wiped my eyes and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were both thinking of Him in that moment we shared.

Bethany told me that he has 5 siblings, all of whom are alive, yet no body comes to visit him.

That is about to change.

"For the ministry of this service is not only fully supplying the needs of the saints, but is also overflowing through many thanksgivings to God."
-2 Corinthians 9:12

O, My Soul

2010-08-29T12:50:00.000-07:00

Though as an orb it teeters
on the edge of faith and fear,
let my Spirit be my solace
to remember Christ is near.

Though ceaselessly it struggles
in the sweat and angst of war,
let trumpets blow as Jesus comes
with grace upon His sword.

Savior God, you fight again
for whom You already died.
With fists held high my soul will sing,
"The Lord is proved when tried!"

Woe for sin
which lost again
the battle fought for me!
My hope resounds
my Life endures
My God, He wins again.

O my soul
endures the pull
of heaven and of earth!
Hold fast, dear one
your God has come
My God, He wins again.

Savior God, you fight again
for whom You already died.
With fists held high my soul will sing,
"The Lord is proved when tried!"

Prayer, Freedom, Faithfulness

2010-08-20T23:44:00.000-07:00

I am so overwhelmed with excitement from what my Father is revealing to me! As He deepens my understanding of His faithfulness to me and enables me to embrace it and live accordingly, my desire to share what I have learned increases in urgency and vitality. But often, my excitement scatters all the words and ideas I have in my mind and I have no idea where to begin! So, I will just begin by saying that I do not know where to begin. And also to reiterate- God is faithful, and His faithfulness is what breathes life into me!

A few minutes ago, I was lying down on my cold dorm-room floor in order to cool off from the hot, humid night air. As I was lying there, I was peacefully reflecting on where God has had me for the last few weeks and where I suspect He is leading me right now. Lately I have been struggling with unbelief regarding the faithfulness of God, and it has led to an unbearably troubling unrest. But His pursuit of me and my wavering heart is persistent, true, evident, and simply mind-blowing.

As I lay there, I pondered the purpose of prayer. Recently I have asked Him to do very specific things in a very specific time-frame. Does this mean that He will do it? No. But then I asked myself: does that in any way negate His faithfulness? And His Spirit in me testified- "not in the slightest!"

I have often heard it said that "prayer is about the relationship." It is one thing to believe that this is true, but another thing entirely to understand it in your heart!

God's faithfulness is not validated or proven solely by answered prayer. It does not depend on what He does or on what you have prayed for. It is entirely about the relationship, which is nourished and enhanced and invigorated by prayer and listening.

He is not faithful to your requests; He is faithful to YOU.

When you pray, are you seeking answers or are you seeking God? Do you pray because you are supposed to, or do you pray because you can? He delights in revealing Himself to His children because it leads to worship and deeper intimacy with Christ! But, He does this in the process of prayer, not just in the results.

For the last couple of years I have kept a spiritual journal in which I write prayers and thoughts to God daily. I frequently enjoy looking back in old journals and reading the things I said to Him. Most of the time, I look back and see that not only did He answer my prayers with a "yes," but also that He did so masterfully and far more creatively than I ever could have imagined. But every time, I look back and I can see how God used each prayer to teach me something about Himself. He may not have granted my desire, but He always came back around to it and brought me understanding, which brought me closer to Him in my relationship.

What more do I need to know of His faithfulness, than to know and believe that He never fails to hear me and respond? and that His commitment is to ME, not my circumstances? and that He promises to lead me deeper into Himself through reverence and insight and affection as long as I earnestly seek Him?! Knowing that He uses my prayers to show Himself to me makes me want to pray constantly about everything that comes to mind!

Oh, how I love Him!

"For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose."
-Philippians 2:13

"Pray continually."
-1 Thessalonians 5:17

"For the Lord is good and His love endures forever; His faithfulness continues through all generations."
-Psalm 100:5

Inconstant Sights of a Constant Beauty

2010-08-18T14:41:00.000-07:00

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and His understanding no one can fathom." -Isaiah 40:28

Yes, I have known and I have heard that the Lord is the everlasting God. I can recall times in my walk with Christ when I was completely enthralled by His almighty power. Nothing was more obvious, more distracting, more irresistible, glorious, undeniable, or captivating! Nothing had the power to govern and capture every ebb and flow of my tender heart than the victory of my mighty and immortal God! Whether I was walking to class, eating lunch, talking with a stranger, or fixing to rest for the night, my heart was constantly dancing and praising Him. It was entirely incapable of forgetting Him and His gorgeous mercies unto me. Everywhere I went I felt His hand upon me, saw His smile over my head, felt His passion for me in my blood. Inside me my soul sang:

"Holy, holy holy is the Lord God Almighty, who was, and is, and is to come!"
(Revelation 3:8)

Yes, Isaiah! I have known, I have heard. I have believed and I have seen. But sometimes, I also forget.

I can recall times when my body went through the same motions- walking to class, eating lunch, talking with a stranger, fixing to rest for the night- and all the while my soul was singing a much different song:

"How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long with my enemy triumph over me?" (Psalm 13:1-2)

My prayer life drifts from a celebratory love relationship to a frenzied, anxious panic. Where did He go? What changed? Is there sin in my life that I must confess and abandon? Does He still love me like He did? Why can't I believe it? Why can't things just be like they were? Have I somehow failed to earn His favor? Have I disgraced Him?

Our relationship with God is undulating. Sometimes it is our fault, and there is sin in our lives that inhibits us from seeing His beauty clearly. Other times He hardens our hearts, deafens our ears, or He simply speaks less.
He gives us difficult circumstances and we grow weary.
He fills our hearts, and He empties us again.
When after a time of enjoying a spiritual harvest,
He leads us through a valley or a desert.

Why? Because He is sovereign, He is God, He loves you, and He probably has a point to prove and loads of His own glory to reveal!

"When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future."
-Ecclesiastes 7:14

The Lord is intentional and purposeful! He never moves unless to carry out His only two goals: to love you, and to glorify Himself as King. Every spiritual season satisfies those purposes. If you find that you are in a rough season spiritually and your heart is aching for deliverance and joy, consider:

"He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."
-Isaiah 40:29-31

Other beautiful, encouraging verses to take to heart:
Hebrews 13:8
Zepheniah 3:17
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Romans 8:36-39
2 Corinthians 4:7-12
Exodus 14:14

I pray that you and I would continue to uncover, embrace, and apply the breadth and perfection of His grace! He does not love us because of anything we do or have made of ourselves. He loves us because of who He is and what His ultimate sacrifice has made us! Our beauty is non-negotiable. His love is irrevocable. Our heavenly inheritance is protected. Our victory and deliverance is promised.

Our God has already won.

He says:

2010-07-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

My dear child,
I want to assure you that I have seen and understand life through your eyes! But I am gently commanding you to return the favor. When you do, you will see that I, and only I, know what is best for you. Will you trust that I know what lies ahead for you? Will you allow for that to bring you peace as you notice that I am still asking you to continue on? I will never call you to a pointless challenge. I will never let you suffer without the purpose of my glory and the promise of your relief. I will never fail to save you, to hold you, to deliver you, and share my heart with you. I will never damage you. I will never break you. I am who I say I am, and I will do what I say I will do.

Will you relinquish everything to me? Will you constantly demand for signs and certainty, or will you allow for me to build upon your faith? I want to test it. I want to strengthen it. I am your Father, who art in heaven, whose Name alone holds the power to save you and comfort you. You will never be empty, and all danger you perceive is false- will you still hold on to your fear? I am the only Truth, and I am your victory! Will you join me, though you know not where you are going? Will you delight in my identity as I carry you through? I have laid this path out for you perfectly and masterfully! Every move I make honors my two-fold promise: to exalt my Name, and to love you perfectly.

But you must desire my exaltation above all things! Do so, trust me, and let me do the rest. Daughter, I love you more than you can fathom.

"But Christ is faithful as a son over God's house. And we are his house, if we hold on to our courage and the hope of which we boast." (Hebrews 3:6)

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you saying, 'This is the way; walk in it.' " (Isaiah 30:21)

Who am I? Who are you?

2010-06-30T12:25:00.000-07:00

First things first- I would like to boldly proclaim that I know very little about the grace of God. I know what the Bible says about God's grace, and I know what the Body says about God's grace. But when the Holy Spirit whispers in my heart, "Be silent, my child. Wrap yourself around my grace and sink into me," I have no idea how to do it.

I recently called a friend and asked him to pray for me. "I just feel like I am in such a strange spiritual lull! I do not know what God is doing in me or what He wants me to do in Him. I just don't know where to go from here," I said. To which my good friend replied, "Emily, it sounds like you are having an identity crisis. Figure out who you are in Christ!"

Who am I in Christ? Who is Christ in me? I hung up the phone. I was so daunted by the task that was before me that I had no idea where to start. (You know you are starting from square-one when you go to Google.com and type in the search bar, "What is my identity in Christ")

So- I have been looking up Scripture that tells me who I am in God's eyes, and I am trying hard to replace my opinions of myself with His opinions of me. His opinions of me are the only aspects of my identity that should matter to me or to anyone else.

If you have accepted Christ as your Savior and you are devoting yourself to following and loving Him:

-Your worth and your inheritance are equal to those of Jesus Christ Himself, who has already inherited the kingdom of God.
-You are justified because of who He is, not because of what you do.
-You were chosen among many to be the child of God that you are.
-You are eternally set free from the slavery and dominion of darkness.
-Despite how you may sometimes feel, you are never empty. You are never alone. You are never estranged. You are never ignored. You are never judged according to your weaknesses.
-You exist because God has plans to glorify His name through you.
-He ALWAYS enjoys loving you.

Tidbits

2010-06-18T16:09:00.001-07:00

Some things I am in the process of learning:

-No matter how intuitive you are, it is impossible to thoroughly understand what God is doing and why He is doing it before He is finished. Trying to figure out what He's up to is a quick and sure way to drive yourself insane and make your heart stale. Just sit back, enjoy your youth (whatever might be left of it!) and be sustained by your faith until He surprises you with an outcome. Doing anything but that will exhaust you.

-God spoke to us through angels, prophets, plagues, visions, and all kinds of barely-believable signs. Jesus spoke to us through miracles and prophecy. Why is the Church so quick to underestimate the power and ridiculousness of the Holy Spirit? The Godhead is creatively limitless, and ridiculously powerful! And He will show you if you ask for it.

-Resting is not physical- it's spiritual. And it isn't indulgent to rest...it's necessary.

-A lot of times, hastiness and cautiousness are both rooted in fear. There's a bold line between hastiness and courage, cautiousness and wisdom.

-According to my favorite four-year-old, the best way to get rid of a week-long headache is to take a drink of water, take a deep breath, make a funny face, and do some gymnastics.

Experiencing God

2010-06-16T13:37:00.001-07:00

Every Wednesday I meet up with some friends for a weekly Bible Study. Five weeks ago, we decided to go through a course called "Experiencing God." The book provides a series of lessons that we are supposed to complete each day.

Today's lesson was about how God speaks to us through the Holy Spirit. I was reading it and going through the exercises, and it really led me to an encouraging break-through! So, I don't know who reads this blog of mine, but just in case it has more readers than I ever assume, I wanted to post an excerpt in hopes that it might encourage others as much as it encouraged me. :)

Enjoy!
--------

"For his sixth birthday my oldest son, Richard, was old enough to have a bicycle. I bought a blue Schwinn and hid it in the garage. Then I had a task- to convince Richard that he needed a blue Schwinn bike. At first Richard was interested only in small toys that would have quickly broken. I sought to elevate his desires until he wanted something of quality and durability. We worked with him for a while, and he eventually decided that he wanted a blue Schwinn bike for his birthday. Do you know what Richard got? The bike was already in the garage. I just had to convince him to ask for it. He asked for it, and he got it!

What happens when you pray? The Holy Spirit knows what God has 'in the garage' for you! It is already there. The Holy Spirit's task is to convince you to want it- to get you to ask for it. What will happen when you ask for things God already wants to give or do? You will always receive it. Why? Because you have asked according to His will. When God answers your prayer, He gets the glory, and your faith is increased."

Dear Heart,

2010-06-14T16:56:00.001-07:00

Dear Heart,

Take deep breaths, my precious, and try not to tremble. I know you have been experiencing a lot- Believe me, I haven't blinked. I watched you quiver as my God armed His canons. I saw you look to me for help when He aimed them at your walls. But hear me, dear heart- you are no longer mine. Do not reach for me, and do not resort to your own wisdom! My God, your governor and guardian, promised to be faithful to you. Your fragility is not a secret, but your immortality has been forgotten! Why do you fear? Why do you ask me to turn back as I keep my toes on His heels? Precious, I know that you are frightened. But I will ignore your weeping if His will is what you fear most. I trust Him, and you are my sacrifice.

I saw your silent terror when the broken walls fell. I watched your tender submission as He carried you toward His plan. He told me to be still, and He said the same to you. I am as powerless as you, my heart! But what else can we do? Now that we are His, can we undo what He started? Can we make our own way? Would you rather be comfortable than safe? Believe me, they are not the same thing!

Admit it, you're excited! You are glad to finally experience vulnerability, to finally stop denying the existence and the power of your desires. You know the uncertainty of love that swells in you is helping you to satisfy your purpose. You cannot deny those still and powerful moments where you realize, as you hang naked from His fingers, "This is what I am made for."

Heart, you were made to be given. Made to be used. Made to be uncovered. You were not made to withhold yourself! Not to hide in your comfort, behind your walls and your fears!

Yes, heart, I saw you when you first laid eyes on what you feared and wanted most. I know how that unforgettable moment replaced your certainties with weakness. I know that time has never seemed so slow, and that doubt has never looked so easy. But this is what love is. This is what Love does. Right now you stand, soaked in your hope, unraveled and waiting. I see you! But I will not rescue you. I know you have gone through so much, but I write to ask you for one more favor:

Remember your first Love.

Hang in there,
Emily

Lord,

2010-06-06T11:38:00.000-07:00

I want you to rejuvenate me in love. Impassion me with your Spirit. Invigorate me with hope. Exchange my fear for ferocity and let Your strength be my endurance! I need you. I thirst for you. Be my shield, be my sword! Lay my anxious heart down to rest and quiet me with your love. I want to be still. I want to be able to trust you.

You have led my heart into the vulnerability I tried so hard to avoid. You have set in me the uncertainty I feared most. Yet with all the concerns and second-guessing and fear and desperation that resulted, Your loudest and most prevalent words to me are "Rest." --- "Wait."

It is so hard to do both of those at the same time.

Dissolve my angst. Help me to understand that You are what You offer and I have received you in full. Do not let any man, any concept, any hope, come before you in my heart. Remind me- as loudly, as often, as fiercely as you need to- that YOU are my inheritance. YOU are my desire. YOU are my provision. YOU are my reward. YOU were first. YOU will be last.

I crave all that you represent to me. You are the truth. You are my protection and my certainty. : ) Jesus, you are everything that is good and you do not withhold yourself from me!

Do not let me be ashamed. Keep regret far from me.

It is my joy to wait on your direction! I will live on your most recent breath and I will walk according to your purpose. I promise to follow your Word and your example and your Spirit- but please make your voice blatant to me! Speak to my heart in the ways my heart can understand! Help me to discern my heart, to make my thoughts obedient to you, and to continually surrender to you with sincerity and joy.

I surrender all that I am and all that my heart desires to you, Jesus. Nothing is mine to keep or use- it is all for You. And that is the way I like it. : )

You are good.

An Unforgettable Sunrise

2010-06-02T06:05:00.000-07:00

It was 4:30am, and I was wide awake. I rolled over a few times to try to get comfortable, but comfort wasn't the issue. I was completely comfortable and I was completely at rest- I just had no desire to go back to sleep. So I just lay there and started sharing my thoughts with God about how much I loved that family and their perfect farm in Dover. Then Brittany's voice next to me spoke exactly what I was thinking:

"I'm so at rest here."

I was just happy to find out that she was awake! We began talking about God, the Reisers, and the undeniable and invincible state of rest our hearts were in. Then we got up, looked out the windows, looked at each other, and asked, "why are we so awake?" We believed God awakened us for a reason, so we decided to head downstairs. Without hardly a word, we went downstairs, picked up a blanket, wrapped ourselves in it, and walked out the front door. We both walked directly to the east side of the deck, and we stood there for about an hour- we were waiting for the sun to rise.

There was the occasional joke, and every now and then we would shift our weight from one foot to the other. But mostly, we just stood there, still and silent. waiting. joyfully waiting. I don't know about her, but my back began to hurt and my legs became tired. But I still kept standing, looking straight ahead and waiting. When the sun finally rose, we sat down. We watched until we couldn't stand to look at the sun anymore, and then we went inside. And it has been a sweet, cherished memory for us ever since. :)

----
I am still in the process of learning from that experience.

Now, every time I see the sun, it feels like I am seeing an old friend. I think waiting for something bring you closer to it. (Especially if you wait for it with rest and joy, free from bitterness and burden.) Suddenly, Psalm 27:13-14 is starting to make so much sense!

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord, be strong and take heart, and wait for the Lord." (Psalm 27:13-14)

There are many things I am waiting for- waiting for certain things to unfold, for other things to make sense, for His purpose to be revealed, for my heart to be relieved -- but it all comes back to Him, waiting on His glory. And if by waiting on the sun I feel like I acquired a new friend, and if sharing my waiting with someone I love made me love them even more...I can only imagine the glory of waiting for God, with God.

Dear Self: Lighten Up and Let Go :)

2010-05-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

I am learning that being hard on myself does not make me better. I am learning that God's grace is not something to be revered from afar. It is supposed to change me; and I am supposed to focus on how beautifully it has changed me, not on how awful I would be with out it.

Here is what I believed:
-You cannot live up to your potential unless you dedicate yourself to fixing all the things that are wrong with you. YOU must be the one to edit and revise and polish and build yourself.

-God is so much less likely to use you if you are unwise, distracted, hurting, or afflicted.

-If you do not pray every time you get the chance, God will stop speaking to you and using you.

-God needs you to be all you can be.

Here is the truth:
-My holiness does not depend on what I do. It depends on what He did. And what did He do? He died on the cross. He rose again. He conquered sin. That can never be undone. It happened. It is finished. I am holy.

-His love for me does not depend on what I do. He knew me before I came to be. He knew every sin I was going to commit. He knew yours, too. But He still did not second guess His decision to demonstrate that you are worth dying for. It does not change the fact that He went through with it. That sounds like unconditional love to me...and it also sounds invincible.

-God's faithfulness does not depend on my faithfulness. His presence in my life is not something that ebbs and flows according to my actions; My perception of His evidence ebbs and flows according to my faith. And, what little and feeble faith I might have on my harder days, I can guarantee it is greater than a mustard seed. But even still- He will always be better to me than I am to Him. He isn't going anywhere; He is with me to stay. For eternity.

-God's glory does not depend on who I was before I died and rose again with Him. My God wants His glory, and my God does not acknowledge limits. Wouldn't it bring Him more glory and praise if He used ordinary tools to build a glorious city? My only glory is Christ in me, and that glory is not given to be kept.

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me."
-2 Corinthians 12:9

yeah, I can relate.

2010-05-06T13:53:00.000-07:00

I can relate to Paul, whose fire became laced with holiness as he received salvation- whose heart and limbs are governed with boldness by his love for the Church and her holy Bridegroom.
(Acts 9, Philippians 4)

I can relate to David, who is passionate in everything, whose Everything is God, and whose God is more passionate still.
(Psalm 84, 2 Samuel 7)

I can relate to Noah, whose inadequacies were nullified under the light of his faith, so that he may be a conduit of the Lord's glory and grace.
(Hebrews 11:7, Genesis 7)

I can relate to Sarah, whose eyes would widen at the absurdity and goodness of the Lord's promises.
(Genesis 18:9-15)

I can relate to Abraham, whose faith was credited as righteousness.
Romans 4:9

I can relate to the beggar, who received the graces he dared not request, and whose jubilant tongue would thenceforth proclaim the magnificence of God!
(Acts 3)

I can relate to the paralytic, who had what he deserved until he received what he did not.
(Matthew 9:2)

I can relate to the prophets, whose untamable willingness to serve Him was seized by His will and sent forth to negate culture and ignore the influence of fear.
(Jeremiah 20:8-11)

I can relate to Solomon, who could only have wisdom where first there was reverence.
(Proverbs 9:10)

I can relate to Naomi, who learned not to resist irrevocable love when it's offered her.
(Ruth 1:16-18)

I can relate to Jesus, whose righteousness made me righteous, whose inheritance is my inheritance, whose Father is my Father, whose victory is my victory, whose Home is my Home, whose mercy is my joy, whose strength is my bones, whose affections are my skin.

"For He rescued us from the domain of darkness, and transferred us to the kingdom of His beloved Son, in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins."
-Colossians 1:13

"God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."
-2 Corinthians 5:21

I want to talk about hope.

2010-05-06T08:09:00.000-07:00

What David says about hope: "No one whose hope is in you will ever be put to shame, but they will be put to shame who are treacherous without excuse." (Psalm 25:5)

What Paul says about hope: "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." (Romans 5:5)

And again: "For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has?" (Romans 8:24)

---------

I stifle my own hope. On purpose. It takes a conscious effort for me to nourish it and protect it from my own fear. Hope makes me vulnerable. But to be hopeless is scarier by far. So I try to play it safe, and I put my hope in what has already been guaranteed to me: salvation, the Spirit, redemption. But that's cheap! "Who hopes for what he already has?"

"Hope does not disappoint us..." --really?

yes.

I truly believe He will use your hope to bless you and glorify Himself, every time. Either
A) He will grant you the desires of your heart, resulting in worship and thankfulness and praise, and recognition to God as a God who gives according to His abundant grace
or B) Your hope will keep you in touch with the Lord, and He will inevitably show you how the desires you had for yourself were inadequate compared to what He had planned for you. Your desires will begin to match His. Then you will experience point A.

No matter what, He is faithful and compassionate. Our God is so good!!

I will share my personal struggle: I feel like it is important that I want the right things, especially in regards to singleness. Some days I find it easier to cherish my singleness than others. And on the harder days, I struggle to know what to pray for.

"Should I pray that He brings me someone I could have a godly relationship with? Or should I pray that He helps me to cherish what I have already been given?"

(Side note- singleness is not the absence of something good. It is something good in and of itself.)

I don't know where to put my hope. I just need to recognize that it doesn't matter. He will not be careless with my fragile heart. He will gently guide me if I have misplaced my hope. I do not need to fear disappointment when I have such a faithful God.

Everyday I find myself saying "hope does not disappoint hope does not disappoint hope does not disappoint"

That's all for now.

"faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1)

A (small) case for faith

2010-05-03T06:57:00.000-07:00

The love demonstrated in the Bible is faithful- it defends, it commits, it delivers. It delivers to and it delivers from. It persists infallibly.

"I remember the devotion of your youth, how as a bride you loved me and followed me through the desert, through a land not sown. Israel was holy to the Lord, the firstfruits of his harvest; all who devoured her were held guilty, and disaster overtook them."
-Jeremiah 2:1-3

But we are a fallible race under an infallible God, whose Name is Love.

"Long ago you broke off your yoke and tore off your bonds; you said, 'I will not serve you!' Indeed, on every high hill and under ever spreading tree you lay down as a prostitute. I had planted you like a choice vine of sound and reliable stock. How then did you turn against me into a corrupt vine?"
-Jeremiah 2:20-21

The result? ---> We realize that love is not only faithful and persistent, but humble. Because the Lord of the universe, without forsaking His terrible and mighty power, yearns for His people. still.

"I thought you would call me Father..."
-Jeremiah 3:19

" 'Return, faithless Israel,' declares the Lord, 'I will frown on you no longer, for I am merciful,' declares the Lord, 'I will not be angry forever.'"
-Jeremiah 3:12

Obviously, I am reading Jeremiah right now. and loving it, and learning SO much.

God's love does not negate His wrath, it spawns it:
God is absolutely holy.
His people are absolutely sinful.
God absolutely loves His absolutely sinful Bride--us, His people.
But pure holiness cannot approach the impurity of sin.
God cannot stop being holy, (praise the Lord!)
and we cannot stop being sinful.

But God's desire to be with His sinful people, despite His holiness, is unbending, unwavering, ever-strong. So what must He do to be with us, since we won't come to Him? He must satisfy His wrath against sin without sacrificing His love for us.

In the Old Covenant, the Lord achieved His wrath by punishing the sinners for their sin.
But in the New Covenant, in which we now live, God punished the Sinless One for our sin. His wrath is satisfied, once and for all.

I do not fear the Lord because I hold His name to be synonymous with punishment--Things have changed since Jesus came.
I fear God, yet love Him still, because I recognize that He is completely powerful and could do anything He wants.

But by His grace, I can know exactly what He wants.
He wants me.
My undivided devotion.
My time.
My holiness.
My trust.
My burden.
My worship.
My reverence.
My adoration.
My hard work.
He wants all of me.

He wants all of you.

Dear Jesus

2010-04-26T07:11:00.000-07:00

I feel closest to you:

when I stare out at the ocean alone
when I sacrifice for others
when my body aches with sorrow
when I spend time with any child
when I laugh in the midst of free and celebratory conversation
when I connect with your Word
when I can feel your rebuke
when I expect your rebuke but don't receive it
when I evaluate my imperfections
when I pray in my car
when I worship in my heart and it moves everything else
when I settle down
when I am paralyzingly afraid
when courage sweeps in and makes me move
when I am filled with strength that came out of "no where"
when I linger in eye-contact
when I let spontaneity run free
when I work harder than is possible for me
when I invite you into my silence
when I show myself and others grace
when I experience the dawn
when I examine the stars
when I dive into community
when I love expensively
when I am rejected and misunderstood
when I am taken in
when I talk about you
when I listen about you
when I listen to you

Learning!

2010-04-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

I want what I fear most: God. romance. vulnerability. Nothing is as terrifying or irresistible as those things. I just have to keep in mind their true definitions, so as to avoid pursuing anything feign.

God is not an emotion.
Romance is not attention.
Vulnerability is not recklessness.
Suffering is not martyrdom.

God is Holy and available.
Romance is His promise.
Vulnerability is love not cheaply given.
Suffering is understanding Christ.

I will not get any more personal than that.

"No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people."
--Acts 5:13.

Tiny Mind Spill

2010-04-18T12:43:00.000-07:00

Hillsong led my worship last night. My love and understanding of worship have grown so much this year! I am learning that it is not a superstitious experience- just a sober, sincere effort to entertain and romance my King. And the entertainment is intended for Him. The fact that I enjoy the songs is just an irrelevant, but much appreciated, bonus!

I closed my eyes and sang "Everlasting" ... imagining I was at the foot of the cross, singing up to my Savior. During that song I realized that the Lord and all the angels and demons can hear my undignified praise. And I sang louder. Worship is victory! He filled that arena. He's so much bigger than our skin. Every time I worship, the only thought I get is "You deserve it."

Hope is courage. Those who fear vulnerability wouldn't dare to try it.

When I remind myself that I am a warrior, it's like guzzling an energy drink. I love winning! I love purposeful suffering! Am I with the right God or what??!

Also- talking about myself is like taking a swig of cough syrup. But I have decided that I should not vocalize this as often as I do, if ever. I don't want it to come across as insecurity or feigned humility, and also, I never like my friends' responses. :-p

My pointless yet fun goals for this summer:
-be a waitress
-make a quilt
-read "Captivating," or something like it
-go see a movie by myself
-roller-blade weekly
-write my (His) Bible study for next year
-learn new worship tabs
-stay in love

That's not all, folks. But my brain doesn't fit here.

A parting verse:

"Godliness with contentment is great gain." -- 1 Timothy 6:6

I'm in love with Something I can't understand, which I am told is Love itself.

2010-04-14T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have no desire or reason to write about myself or how I am doing, so I will post a few things He has been showing me. Some of them are new, others just feel new. :)

-If you have the desire to learn how to love yourself, ignore it. Your love was not made for yourself. There is no lack or deficit or flaw or limit in the love that is already offered you. And contrary to popular belief, you CAN love others without first loving yourself! But loving others without loving God is absolutely impossible. So forget yourself- let God and His church worry about loving you, while you focus on trying to love them more. Contentment will be given to you when you obsess over Him and die to yourself. Your heart will not say "I love me," but "I love how He loves me."

-It is okay to be excited about your plans, as long as you have peace with the possibility that they will either be thwarted or trumped. Sometimes it's both, never is it neither, and it is always awesome.

-Love does not have to be felt in order to be expressed. Strive to prove your love to people, even if it does not exist. It will bless everyone involved, and your Father will be pleased with you. (and most likely, He will use your perseverance to soften your heart.)

-It's best to keep your desires few, and to keep them simple. The result is peace.

It's time I prayed.

2010-04-06T12:51:00.001-07:00

Every time I sit down to pray or write I get so overwhelmed with all the things there are to say that I end up not saying anything at all. But I do not want to allow that to hinder me anymore...So this post will be a prayer post. I don't think anyone reads this anyway.

Lord, I miss you. Every time this happens, I know it is my fault. You certainly were not the one who changed. Hebrews 13:8
Sin is so frustrating. Every time I let it go, it takes me far away from you. I have sinned so much in my heart lately by having such a fixation on the things of this world- namely, my pain. I have been so self-centered. If I had my heart set on eternity, there would not be any room to feel insecure or lonely or depressed. I would know that whatever I have to be insecure about is meaningless. I would remember that I am insufficient and I would rejoice in Your sufficiency, Your willingness to use me and LOVE ME regardless. I would remember that this world is not my home, and I would take comfort in the fact that I do not belong here, that I belong somewhere greater by far.

Today I remembered Lamentations 3:23 as I was driving to meet dad for lunch. And I saw the sunshine and remembered that this is a new day, and if I want, I can be a new person. If I want to, I can put yesterday behind me and pursue You. I can forgive my recent attitude and inherit a new one. I can seize Your forgiveness and have a heart of praise! Sometimes I forget You are absolutely merciful and forgiving, and I don't let myself pray because I feel unworthy of Your ear because of all my sins. I flat out yelled at You Saturday night, to the merciful Father who sent His Son to hang on the cross for me. In my pride I accused Him of abandoning me. How disgusting! My sin is so frustrating, and I find it hard to forgive. It literally nauseates me. But Your forgiveness is quicker than instant. Before I was born you knew I would accept You as my savior and You forgave me for every sin. I am Your foolish child. The one You love, the one who slows herself down by not forgiving herself even when the Lord of the universe already has.

Thank you, God! It is a blessing to remember what I deserve. Humbling. I want to pursue You. I just want all of You and none of me. Not more of You and less of me....All and none. I am quite tired of me, and entirely thirsty for You.

My heart still feels somewhat numb and desensitized. Lord, please forgive me for letting the world shake me? You will get me out of here someday. I pray that You would soften my heart and make it raw to the Gospel. Remind me why I am alive- in my HEART.

God I pray that You would bless me with Your patience and love and kindness for others! I want to serve people until it exhausts me. I surrender my mind to You so that you may guide it and control it. Please obsess me with your Son. Please let grace be my first heart-response. Please bless me with creativity that I may put to use in my serving of others? Please use me? Lord I pray that You would help to mature and bless me with wisdom and kindness. I want to regard everyone as higher than myself, and I want it to be genuine. Lord I want humility and submission and reverence!! I want to honor and glorify Jesus with my heart and my mind and my words and my actions. I want to bring Him to Earth and thrust Him into the lives of all those around me. No wonder life has seemed so dull lately- I have forgotten to live for Something greater! The greatest...

Thank You so much for answering all of my prayers, for being my Father and protecting my heart and rebuking me and raising me up to be who you want me to be. Thank you for everything! Thank you for hope that is REAL. I have reason to hope. A lot of people don't.

Please remind your Church of the TRUTH.

God I pray for Brittany, that you would wrap Yourself around her. I pray for her constant awareness of Your protection and grace! Please fill her heart with sweet affection and adoration for you. I pray that she would be armed with Truth and blessed with discernment that protects her with peace as she is faced will all kinds of distractions, whether they are in her own heart or in the hearts of others. Lord she thirsts for You. I pray that she would pray continually and genuinely. I pray that she would fall deeper and deeper in love with the Scriptures, with You. Please bless her with durable strength in YOU that fights off lies and hindrances. Remind her of her weaknesses and help her to keep them into consideration as she tries to serve You no matter where she is. Her preparation is about more than North Africa. It is about more than herself or the one she wants You to save. It is about You and Your promise, Your kingdom and your glory. Please help her to rest in body and in spirit.

I thank you so much for all you have done in Christina's life and all the ways you have convicted her. I pray that she would keep her eyes and heart set on you, and that she would rest and realize they her decisions are not hers to make. Please simplify her heart and show her what Your will is through the Word. I pray for her wisdom and self-discipline, that she would be intentional in all her actions and that she would pursue her relationship with You above all else. Please bless her with peace. I am so excited to see you teaching her patience! I pray that she would accept the teaching and seek counsel from her older, wiser sisters. You are working in her life and doing good things. I pray that you would preserve her heart for her husband and her husband's for her. Please teach Matt what it means to be a man of God and help him to grow into the kind of spiritual man who could lead a godly woman someday. :)

I also ask that you would lay your healing hands upon Jeff and be with him now. Please bless him with rest in his heart that results in rest in his body. I pray that he would not be restless or anxious but that he would take advantage of this downtime to dwell in you and enjoy his Bible and to give You his undivided attention in prayer and thankfulness. Please heal him swiftly and completely! I pray that you would bless Becki and Jeff with hope and patience regarding his injury. Help her to take good care of him spiritually and physically. Please soften her heart and help her to be compassionate and nurturing to him, encouraging and enjoyable. I pray that they would enjoy each other's company and that they would be able to see this injury as a good thing. You are capable of that, Lord! I also ask that you would help Becki in her business to still set aside undistracted and genuine time with You. Please use the Spirit to guide her in her grief classes. Please use her to accomplish your will, as that brings her the greatest joy! I pray that you would give her opportunities to share the Gospel and possibly give her testimony to glorify You! She loves you so much, and I pray that that love would grow every moment.

Please continue to work in PJ's heart and bless him with maturity and wisdom and discernment and humility and passion. I pray that he would focus on what is unseen and pursue You with a thirsty and faithful heart. Lord I pray for a revival in him. Please encourage him and remind him that all pain is light and momentary compared to your glory, and teach him that everything is a loss compared to the glory of knowing and loving Christ. You can read my heart and you know all the beautiful, glorious, holy things I want for him. Please be quick! And bless Brittany with patience as she waits for him to accept Your guidance.

God I pray that you would bless me with compassion for Tess and help me to understand and respect her heart. I hope that someday we can be close, and I pray that you would keep that hope alive. It is weak. Please soften her heart towards me, and guard my heart! Please do not let me be insecure or hurt because of her opinions of me, but help my identity to be firmly rooted in Christ. Please help me to know what that means! I pray that you would bless her with a powerful and passionate heart that thirsts to seek others out and take initiative. Please help her to grow and force her to love others as Christ calls us to love in 1 cor 13. Lord I pray that you would push her outside of her comfort zone and teach her about God's love. I pray that she would not miss out on amazing friendships because of her fear or her pride! I pray that she would focus on You and not the world, not herself, not anything other than You. Please help us to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Thank you so much for my dad. :) My hope and prayer for him is that you would bless him with companionship with You through the Holy Spirit. I pray that he would harbor an infectious joy that is not a result of any sort of event, but rather the truth of your life and victory! Please help him to focus on work and to be energized and accurate. Lord I pray for his health, that you would convict him to take better care of his body. Please encourage him to spend more time in the word in pursuit of you. Thank you so much for how you have made him. You have given me the best dad.

And my mom- Lord! You love her so much and I can see it every time I look at her face. She thirsts for you. I pray that when she realizes that YOU are what her soul is craving, that she would accept you with joy and courage and sincerity! Please do not let anything hinder her pursuit of you or yours of her. You are the invincible God of salvation, and I see your love working in her life. I praise You for that!!! Lord you are in the process of answering my most sincere prayers I have ever prayed. I ask that you would continue to prepare her heart for your entry! I hope that she feels increasingly comfortable and welcome at Fall Creek Baptist. I want to see her sing to you, not because of pressure, but because she means it. I pray that she would enjoy our girls night with the other ladies and realize how badly she wants to have other women to interact and share with. I pray that those interactions would glorify you. Please help us to all have joy and to be comfortable with ourselves and each other and just enjoy Christ together! I am so thankful for the opportunity to expose mama to those friendships, so that she might become a part of them. I love her so dearly...Lord I cherish her so much. Thank you for all you have done...

God I know that pappaw's strength is decreasing. I pray that you would help him to hold on. I really want him to meet my husband and my kids someday. But if that is not in your will, then I submit that desire to you and I pray that you would just prepare me and the rest of my family for the day he comes to be with you in heaven, unhindered by sin and death. Please draw his heart nearer to yours and revive his spirit with a new desire to know you. I love him. Let your will be done. Let us be ready. Let him be ready. later than sooner?

Lord my last prayer in this sitting is that you would guide me in my reading of Scripture. Sensitize my heart to it! I pray that it would reach deep and remind my heart of the truth it is craving. Any verse can be the right verse if the Holy Spirit translates it for me. God, I want to love you more genuinely and effectively and productively. Please counsel me? I desire you. I want to desire You.

In Jesus' name...

-----

He says

2010-03-23T13:23:00.001-07:00

I will push you with terrible and glorious power. I will pull you with the look of irresistible grace. I will remind you of the Promise to which you run with tender feet. With wild passion and wrath I will guard you. With unbearable light I will conquer your enemies. Persistent hope will firmly grip your heart. Sweet affection will fill it. Listen- all my words carry the fierce and heavy power of solid promise. I will breathe ferocity and strength into your will. I will set fire in your eyes- the fire of battle, of love, of invincible life- and even Death will fear you. For I have already endured the pain that you earned me, and now it is time to begin running, running Home.

When hope is real, worship is too.

2010-03-19T07:09:00.000-07:00

My week started off with a heart so heavily desperate for hope. And by Friday, I had it.
Yesterday started off with a parking ticket. It ended in worship and revelry.

"The end of a matter is better than the beginning.."
Quite a shallow interpretation. But, it's always true. Hope in faith are the themes of Emily Jones' March.

(December-holy desire. January-dependence on Christ. February-rest.)

Last night at the concert I was so blown away and excited about oneness with Him! Genuine worship sets me free. I need it. He wants it. It was so real and so rich!

Some things the lyrics/chord progressions/Holy Spirit reminded me:
-Hope is real, not a Hollywood concept. Not a dream. I worship the One who defeated everything that I would otherwise call "invincible." But because of Jesus, I can call it "death."
-Every moment is the time to worship. Not because I particularly 'feel it' or because it releases MY heart, but because HE DESERVES IT.
-Jesus got what I deserve. sacrifice, slander, separation. and more. (I wept.)
-There is a Home waiting for me!

I just love how we persist. The crowd by singing, yelling, jumping, raising their hands, holding on to the promises they've heard, holding on to the faith that says that they are true against the doubts that say they are not. The musicians by offering up themselves and their talents to raise a ruckus for the Lord, even though sin and hurt may have been raising a ruckus in their hearts. I'm sure Satan hated all of it. Our persistence, our hope, our endurance, our volume. Worship is so hardcore. To me, it is like going into battle and going into peace at the same time.

:)

My Husband

2010-03-03T12:53:00.000-08:00

I will

Respect him
Honor him
Obey him
Stand by him
Stand behind him
Worship with him
Exercise with him
Clean his house
Never deny him
Pray with him
Pray for him
Be spontaneous
Cook his favorite meals
Challenge him
Encourage him
Flirt with him
Comfort him
Talk to him
Laugh with/at him
Accept him
Commit to him
Desire him
Love his children
Learn with him
Learn about him
Learn from him
Scratch his head
Submit to him
Suffer with him
Rejoice with him
Tackle him
Accompany him
Conquer with him
Forgive him
Trust him
Hope to be everything he wants, knowing that Christ is everything he needs

Journal Except

2010-02-25T08:36:00.000-08:00

February 25 / 11:19am

I don't know if it is the huge coffee I just guzzled or the Holy Spirit in me or both, but I am so excited about being alive: truly alive, in every fathomable sense of the word! I am moving, thinking, feeling, hurting, hoping...WHY?! Why is Your mercy so great, that You thought to form ME in Your hands and raise my spirit, to fill me with Something Real- Something Holy- and send me out into this ridiculous place called Earth where sin and glory reign?? Where pain plagues and restoration wins every time.

What a beautiful, broken place! How beautiful is it that my flaws and inadequacies beg for Your mighty healing hand! Everyone should be able to see what You do and know that You are God and You are true. But we know more of sin than salvation, although one is rarely seen without the other. Lord, that is tragic but so beautiful. I hate knowing that any of us perish, and that Your agents are so often sharing in the potent rejection and slander You constantly face. But it is all beautiful, so beautiful.

I rejoice because I have a heart that can be and is broken, and what's greater, a God whose specialty is salvation! As my blind and conflicted heart continues to throw itself into the pit, You delight in repeatedly reaching down to save it, dust it off, and rinse it with living water and douse it with the oil of joy. I should forever be on my knees, beacause something as mighty as You has decided to find favor in me- the broken and desperate battle ground of sin and hope that I am!

I will repeat this truth louder and louder for the rest of my days -- I am not good. I am not wise. I have no potential. I am nothing but decorated flesh, which by your grace and mercy has found a way to serve its purpose and praise the Name of the only thing that matters.

This is the only beauty I posses:
That I can be righteous when I am not good.
That I can be used when I am not wise
That my loving Father helps those who cannot help themselves.

Nothing is good except You.
Everything that is good, is You.
Everything is good.
And you are Everything.

Death will never separate me from You.

Finally at Rest!

2010-02-09T12:59:00.000-08:00

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
--Philippians 4:6-7

It's amazing how you can read a verse so many times and still maintain such a shallow understanding of it! God has just recently shown me what it means to have a PEACE that transcends all understanding and guards my heart.

God is not worried about me, because He knows that He is in control, and He knows everything that will happen. But I, being human and so thoroughly imperfect, forget that He is in control. I forget that my life rests in the hands of a GOOD and ALMIGHTY God who loves me invincibly and irrevocably. But He never forgets that.

When I pursue God, He puts the same peace in my heart that He has in His. That is why it transcends all understanding! I do not have peace because I know my future and I see that good things are ahead. I have peace because I DON'T know my future, yet I have FAITH that good things are ahead. That, my friends, is true rest! And it makes no sense at all.

But it is from God.

I have never felt this trusting of the Lord. It is liberating!! And it protects me.

I love my God so much! I feel prepared for whatever is to come, and thankful for what is already here. This is such a good place to be...

Seasons

2010-02-04T07:03:00.000-08:00

I was having a really hard time of questioning God and feeling really alone...almost as if He had called me to something and left me to do it without His presence or provisions. I kept telling Him I would wait on Him and hold on until He spoke to me again. But my heart suddenly understood: He was waiting on me, not the other way around.

He wanted me to rest and be thankful. To acknowledge that His plans for me, although they are hard, were meant to be blessings rather than burdens. The weight is lifted, and I have a new peace! A kind I have never felt before. He is softening my heart and moving slowly for me, because He knows I have a stubborn and busy heart that takes awhile to calm down and stay focused. I love Him. He knows me.

He pulled me out of a small valley, and now I am resting in the plain before He makes me climb the mountain. It will be hard, but I am excited. Because He always makes sure I get to the top.

I am praying for a heart of worship. I want to be entirely decreased and have a fire for Him that I have never had before. God will have to top Himself.

My love is over, it's underneath. It's inside, it's in between.

2010-01-30T09:52:00.001-08:00

This weekend has been so good! I am so thankful for the people in my life and where He has put me. I am trying to be thankful for other things too, like the fact that my car still isn't running...blah.

I love my friends so much! all of them, for unique and special reasons.

I can't say I have any God updates. I still don't know what He is doing but I know that He loves me and uses me for His purpose. That's really all I need to know...what He wants is good enough for me no matter what it is. I am praying to relax and just enjoy Him and feel His presence. Praying the same for many other people too.. :)

One of my favorite songs right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sw_8o85lFxA

My Kids

2010-01-24T15:55:00.000-08:00

I will

play games and wrestle with them
pray with them
prioritize one-on-one time
talk to them and learn about them
encourage them and be stern with them
read my bible with them
expect them to surpass their own expectations
ask them questions about God
let them pick out their own outfits
love their father until my dying day
teach them how to use a steak knife when they are three
kiss them goodnight until they won't let me anymore. then I will wait until they are asleep to do it
make them order their own food as soon as they can talk
show them mountains and waterfalls and oceans and tell them that they belong to them, then ask what they plan on doing about it
make them face their fears
put their needs before my own
tell them about all of my mistakes
forgive them for theirs
answer all their "stupid" questions
tell them why I do the things I do, and ask them to do the same
tell my daughter(s) what to expect from men and tell my son(s) what good women expect of them
congratulate them for their boo-boos, and tell them band-aids are for sissies
start saving for college as soon as they are born

Endurance.

2010-01-23T17:36:00.000-08:00

It's interesting to realize that my relationship with Christ is a relationship I will have for the rest of my life, and beyond. Everything changes within a lifetime. I can't expect a lifelong mountain top experience. I can't even say that I would want one. Valleys are necessary....

and appreciated.

I am SO thankful for my friends. I love loving them. I would give up any harbored hope to be able to bless them for the rest of my life. I would give up anything.

The best way to love God is to love His children. Especially His son. This is why I am alive.

I can only imagine being a parent...but I already know that the best way to make me happy would be to serve them and help them grow.

----------------------------

I am going to go ahead and commit 100% to a ridiculous promise.
I will forsake my fear of shame and jump. No matter how far I fall before I am caught, I will not panic. I will wait on the Lord...entirely. No fear. No doubt. All in.

......ready go.

Break my heart so it can love You deeper?

2010-01-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from facebook for a couple weeks because I realized that lately it has perpetuated my destructive and cyclical thinking. I am pursuing simplicity and brokenness. Shutting out the noise, setting up the mood. (I want to fall in love with Jesus again.) Thankfully that is a prayer He always answers with a "yes." My new year's resolution was to really dig in to the Old Testament, but every time I catch a verse from Romans or 1 Corinthians my soul just soaks it up. Sorry, Isaiah. I'll be back.

---------

About 10 minutes ago I remembered my older blog that I had written in since high school. I just re-visited it and basically relived my salvation. (In a much lighter and emotionally removed way, though.) So. Good.

June 30, 2008:
"Something IS missing. I have guesses. But I am not sure. I am happy and healthy and functional. So I don't think it is something big. What if it is? And I don't even have any idea how big it really is, so I don't feel its void nearly as much as I ought? That last sentence is scary."

July 5, 2008:
"It's up to You now. I trust You, I surrender, and I am ready."

July 9, 2008:
"Prove to me that prayers work. I am tired and empty and frustrated."

July 14:
"Prayers work. Last night I prayed that I could get deep with Jesus. It's a challenge I am excited to take. But it is intimidating."

Nutshell

2010-01-17T19:00:00.000-08:00

Some things I have been learning, to expound on them later:
-God is faithful, but that does not mean that you "get" everything you hope for.
-Hope and desire are not sinful. Especially when they have been fervently surrendered, and repeatedly returned. (Foolish, but this has always been hard for me to wrap my head around. More on this later.)
-True peace does not depend on a timely deliverance. Peace comes from knowing God, and trusting that He is everything He says He is.
-It is possible to be immune to disappointment.

Simplicity!

2010-01-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

Enough said!!?

Where am I?

2010-01-13T20:35:00.000-08:00

First there was spiritual undertow- where everything was still and the tension was hanging, and the shadows of His promises to come made my heart raw. My composure kept leaving me.
Then everything broke: Isaiah 48:10.
Now things are still again. The only difference is that my heart is not raw. I cannot lose my composure before God. Listening to music is frustrating because I can't feel it anymore. I feel...calloused.
I want to be broken again.
What is He doing?
Something is missing.
Something will crash down soon. Brittany and I made a bet as to how many days will pass before I am on my knees again, desperate, wet-faced and broken before the Lord- before He reveals His next step to me. I said 4. She said 2.
Tomorrow is day two. (I hope she wins.)

I just hope He isn't done with me. with this.

Fear and Sensibility

2010-01-12T08:42:00.000-08:00

"How are you?"
"Well. I am not very good at resting. But I am really trying."
"I have never heard of anyone trying hard to relax."

My last instruction was to rest and trust in His sovereignty. It is hard for me to capture all of my tiring thoughts and tranquilize them before they get too far. I am just not good at this whole "resting" thing. But God knows that, and He sees me trying. but I don't know if He judges our intentions. I am slowly realizing just how real his grace is. People say He is gracious...but no. He truly is.

How can He ever be pleased with me or delight in me? I cannot do anything for Him. sure, I try to serve Him and bless Him, but I need His provisions. Like buying your parents a gift with the allowance they gave you. Absolute dependence. So how can He call me a good servant? The only good thing in me is Christ. And I didn't even make that decision. He called my name. I did nothing. He is ridiculous.

Other thoughts:

At 11:40am I realized that I am not afraid.
(Jesus was rejected.) Still is.
This is the hardest and most awesome test I have ever faced.
I am thoroughly enjoying it, but I never want to be here again. I am not strong enough to do this twice. (I have only said that one other time in my life.)
God loves breaking and rebuilding my heart; it helps me to understand Him.
So far, falling in love is not a blissful and soft experience. Every time I fall in love, whether it is with Him or not, it hurts. A lot.
Pavement.

Last night I was reading Mark 11 and I laughed so hard when I read about Him cursing the fig tree. Jesus cursed things just like we do, but because He is Jesus, it actually works.
"Don't you think He overreacted?!" haha man what a great conversation.
Last night, I also realized that people have not changed. We have only made technological advances that make living here more comfortable. But we haven't grown. Our sin is the same. Then I prayed that no one would find life on earth comfortable, that the only true rest would be found in God, and that any other false sense of security or comfort would not be convincing to anyone anymore. I scared myself with that one...but I meant it.
I watched The Bachelor with my roommate last night and I felt really lonely. Why is it so hard to remember sometimes that I have the greatest romance that can be had? I am so ignorant. God is always with me.
He has never humbled me this much.

It's good to be broken and vulnerable. For His sake.

Expectations vs. Surrender

2010-01-08T23:03:00.000-08:00

It is so amazing to learn how little control I really have. God has been teaching me so much about reliance. I have never been here before; I am vulnerable, open. My only certainty is found in prayer.

But newsflash- to pray is to surrender, not to demand. It does not give us grounds to expect anything from Him.

"But I prayed for this...with hope and pure intentions!"

How dare I hold God accountable. Step down, self.
"no" is still an answer. He does not have to say "yes" to prove Himself faithful.

I cannot deserve an answered prayer. If He gives me the desire of my heart, it is because He is merciful and gracious. Not because I prayed for it, and CERTAINLY not because I earned it.

Hello, reliance. We meet again.

Control= 0%.
100% room for faith.

God- It is not about what you are going to do, but what you are doing now. Thank you for being with me. Thank you for showing me how little I am. Please keep doing it. (Please show me mercy. My heart is on a platter.)

Whoa.

2010-01-07T07:46:00.000-08:00

I just learned so much in the last 30 seconds, and I am going to spill it here.

I am just as broken when I am in pain as I am when I am happy.
To be fortified is not to be healed.
Healing is a continual process, just as our brokenness is a continual process;
God does not wait to heal you until a painful matter is finished. It is like recharging a battery while you are using it.

Time keeps going. Life keeps going. You cannot slow down as you walk towards the inevitable chasms. Life does not wait while you get your bearings and muster the courage you need to jump over them. It is scary. And freaking awesome- because it makes reliance necessary. ohhhmygoshhh I am so excited right now.

This all makes sense in my head, and I am too excited to put much effort into making sure it makes sense to anyone else.

My pain could always be sharper. My fear could always be heavier.

Brokenness is a good thing. It reminds me that I am not in control.
I suffer for a cause greater than myself.
I am indeed protected.
He loves me even though I am weak. GRACE! I get to learn about His grace!

He is my rock. I am not ashamed. It's a blessing to have to lean on Him completely.

MAN I love life!

"How are you?"

2010-01-06T18:37:00.000-08:00

lately, I don't know how to answer that question.

I just want to take a nap in the backseat while He drives. My heart is tired. I'm scared. But I'm in the arms of God. My relationship with Him has never been so strong...it saves me and protects me.

but something needs to change.

Why I am happy.

2010-01-05T09:10:00.001-08:00

To call something fake is more offensive to its Creator than it is to the creation. I know my happiness is hard for a lot of people to understand, and astoundingly, it pushes people away. But it is legit.

I am not "always" happy because hard things never happen to me. I am happy because a lotof hard things happen to me. I learned that I need to not only expect them but love them. They are inevitable. They are ever-present. And they suck. "Getting used to them" didn't seem good enough. So I learned to like them. I love hardship because I love the woman it makes me into. Pain refines you. It's beautiful. I love pain and weakness because they humble me and reduce me. They remind me that I am not in control. They force me to rely on the only thing I trust- God. I believe that everything happens for a reason. If you want, ask me about it sometime, and I will give you about 40 examples.

My joy and my relationship with God are directly related. In fact, they are the same thing. my source of peace is never failing. Because He doesn't change, even when I do.

I think everyone is obsessed with something. Maybe it's your boyfriend. Your dreams. Your identity. everyone is dedicated to something- a ruling love that governs you. Mine is God.

I never pretend to be happy. Image means nothing to me.
And I always talk about God because He is my Father and my best friend, my greatest love. My love for Him is who I am. I guard that relationship with everything I have, which isn't much.

"Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever."
Hebrews 13:8

"So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why they are here! No one will bring them back from death to enjoy life in the future."
Ecclesiastes 3:22

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10

"See, I have refined you, though not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction."
Isaiah 48:10

hmm.

2010-01-04T21:44:00.000-08:00

It shouldn't be this hard for me to stay awake right now. I have only been up for 13 hours.

It's important to hold on to your only Constant. your heart changes. your relationships change. your circumstances change. but God is the same.
My heart is transitioning. All that means is that I need to relearn how to serve God with this different state of heart. The good news is, the same things please Him no matter what else changes in my life.

Maybe someday He will show me how to not be too hard on myself. but that is not something I can teach myself alone. I've learned that I can't do anything alone. I can't even glorify my God without His help. how beautiful is reliance? so good.

He has taught me so much about reliance, patience, and faith. SO many things fall under those categories. jakfjkafjdla

I'm tired.

Psalm 23.

(KELS! you can comment now!) :-D

My God is more than good enough.

2010-01-02T15:58:00.000-08:00

HE IS MY SUSTENANCE.

He knows when my faith can only go so far. He knows it is the only thing I have. He knows that I need fed if I am to keep going. So He feeds me. with His grace, with revelation, with hope that is necessary for my patience. He knows I can't do anything for Him without Him.

His patience is never-ending.
His grace is so humbling.

I am so below Him.

I'm just....speechless. I can't sum it up.

Denial of self.

2009-12-29T09:32:00.001-08:00

These are uncertain times- but that is okay.

It is humbling to be evicted from my comfort zone. It is a blessing to go through any experience for the sake of God's glory and exaltation. I am thrilled to need Him as much as I do right now- it is my first realization every morning.
I just want what He wants. Whether or not I know what it is. I refuse to do anything myself, because I want Him to move. And I will remain still. His holiness is beyond evident. It is obvious.

Never before have I enjoyed weakness. But Christ makes it possible.

He is so big and I am nothing. John 3:30. There is no end to this decrease- thank God.

Ecclesiastes 5:7?

2009-12-24T23:09:00.000-08:00

I am used to having so many words flying inside my head, but now I just can't find them.

Author of every good story

2009-12-21T10:37:00.000-08:00

My King,
The power of your beauty overwhelms my heart. I am constantly trying to keep my composure in your presence, of which you have made me painfully and humbly aware. Your love swells within me. You are just so holy, and you are so close to me. Your power is crushingly beautiful. It's hard to keep my knees above my feet. It's hard to keep my eyes dry and my bottom lip still. I don't even know why I try. I am an inch away from letting go and humbling myself before you and publicly losing my composure every time you breathe. You reveal yourself to humble me and to exalt yourself. And there is nothing I want more!

-- -- --

I have never been where I am now, spiritually. My fear and passion for Him are so rich...they rule me. These verses really describe where I am now:

"He must become greater, I must become less." *

"O Sovereign LORD, you are God! Your words are trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant." *

His weight is growing stronger. I absolutely love it and fear it.

I love the way He writes my interactions and friendships. They are so beautiful. He truly is the Author of romance...and, well, everything else that is good.

ahhhh Lord! You saved my life...you didn't have to also make it good! But you did.

*John 3:30 *2 Samuel 7:28

Jesus!?

2009-12-17T09:46:00.000-08:00

Jesus jumped into one of my great friends, and He is making her move. She is so in love! And so is He! For the last two days I have been mostly speechless. I just can't find words to describe how glorious He is, how REAL His salvation....how beautiful. Kelsey- isn't it like realizing that you were actually dead, when you thought you were living? I remember saying, "wow. I thought I was happy. I thought I was strong. I thought I was alive." He redefines. And the good news is- HE NEVER STOPS! Kelsey, you are so new I almost want to give you a new name! but oh yeah, He will do that for you in the final Day, won't He?

"...I will also give him a white stone with a new name written on it, known only to him who receives it."
-Revelation 2:17

His love is irrevocable and impenetrable.

I hope to always be an infant in Christ. To always feel new and never stale. He is too big and glorious and almighty to "get used to." He is scary. I love Him.

Notes to Self

2009-11-02T15:58:00.001-08:00

-You are a missionary. This is your mission field. You don't need to go "overseas" to be devoted to your ministry. Your environment will not make you fearless. Your initiative will be the same here as anywhere else.

-Your motives are as important as your actions...they are internal acts of the heart.

-Don't let any day look too much like the one before it.

-Don't discriminate. Many people are choosing death, not just the ones you know intimately.

-Do your laundry.

Random thoughts

2009-10-29T13:47:00.000-07:00

Right now I am reading The Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne. Strangely I am finding it to be inspiring and discouraging at the same time. It's all about Claiborne's (radical?) perspective on a life of servitude for Christ and His people. I want that! I admire Claiborne's missions, but reading about them slightly makes me regret being where I am. College life seems so watered down. I just don't understand why I am paying thousands of dollars to get an education so I can get a good job that pays well, JUST so that I can pay off my education! It doesn't make sense. My major will probably have little to do with how I end up serving the Lord most. but, enough complaining.

Last night I stayed up until about 5 in the morning because I really wanted my paper to be perfect. I think I am turning into a bit of a perfectionist, especially since when I eventually DID go to bed, I couldn't sleep because I was worried about whether or not my paper was good enough! I am such a night owl, I never even felt tired. I should just be nocturnal :-p

I love life. Last night I worshiped with some of my closest friends, and it was so intense. We just sang and prayed, and God's presence was HUGE. I don't know how my life can get any better...I am almost waiting for everything to tumble down. It's just too perfect, how can it go up from here?! But what really baffles my mind, is that I know God isn't done with me yet. He has big ideas that are immeasurably more beautiful than anything I could imagine...and the fire in my heart tells me they will be revealed soon. I am trying to be patient, but the excitement is killing me! He is just too good to me. To be able to join in song with my closest friends, to praise the Lord together so passionately like that- there is nothing greater.

Skin and Anchors

2009-10-22T13:30:00.000-07:00

To the death you will join
whom you faithfully follow.
If you are a capsule,
would you choose to die hollow?

Would you search for a home,
while in you it lies dormant?
Would you find it in skin,
while in blood lies atonement?

And how do you define
that jewel beneath your chest?
A temple, a treasure?
It's a container at best.

So satisfy its purpose:
to surround Something Holy,
and surrender your life
(you'll enjoy dying daily.)

For neither death nor war
will keep you from living;
and it is not the ground
that keeps you from sinking.

For every anchor
that is covered in skin
is not an apt anchor
for the water you are in.

-----------------------

I wrote this while I was thinking about relationships: what they should be compared to what they usually are. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Actually, I kind of always do. :-p

Just for funzies, I'd like to organize my thoughts via...blog? No one reads this anyway! (except Becki, she is definitely someone! I love that someone.)

------------------------

Obsession: The object of your obsession should never be an object at all- and that includes people. I think of "obsession" as a passion for something that is so intense, it shapes your identity. I think it is okay for a woman's identity to be determined by her obsession, as long as that obsession is Jesus resurrected. If Jesus is a vat of melted caramel, we should be the apple: completely covered and submersed. In order to even SEE the apple and understand what it really is, you need to get through the lovely caramel layer. :) Likewise, if a man should ever pursue a relationship with a woman, he should first have to pursue a relationship with Christ before he can ever get to her core. (everyone knows the caramel layer is the best part anyway! It is the same with God-glorifying relationships: it is how they follow and enjoy Christ together, more so than how they follow and enjoy each other. Thankfully, I firmly believe that if you do the former, the latter is inevitable.)

This passion, or obsession, for Christ doesn't only apply to women!
"To the death you will join whom you faithfully follow." -- As a woman, you must be led by a man that leads you to Life. Unless he follows Jesus, you will join him in death if you choose to follow him faithfully.

Indulgence: Indulgence scares me. I am afraid of what it does to relationships, what it does to our spirit, what it does to God...all of it. I think an indulgent relationship usually focuses on taking rather than giving. This could involve taking from each other, or taking from the world around them. Both are equally as harmful. But even if a couple gives more than they take, it is not enough if they only give to each other. Face-to-face relationships are indulgent, in my opinion, whether they are giving or taking. When you are in a relationship, you basically just become a bigger person; you are unit. So if you think about it, to turn inwardly and only focus on the other person is just as dysfunctional as only focusing on yourself when you are single.

It is the side by side relationship I hope and pray for, the kind where two people serve God and His people better together than they do apart. I see them as two people that stand together, not facing each other, but together looking out and looking up. They are a unit; together they are a better disciple than they would be with out the man's leadership and the woman's support. For this reason, I have promised myself to not enter a dating relationship simply because of how that other person makes me feel or even what I can contribute to his life. A spouse should not be a drug. Nor should they be a project. (you can serve them as a FRIEND. and even still, I would advise that if that person is of the opposite sex, you advise him to find a brother in Christ and gently disengage. Feelings WILL happen if you don't.)

I know I can't expect a biblical relationship with a godly man unless I can be the godly woman I aspire to be. It just wouldn't be fair! One thing that has really interested me lately is righteous beauty- that is, submission, gentleness, and passion for God. Beauty is not bait- it is a tool used by God to attract others to His heart. (Obviously, I have a lot of opinions. Submission and gentleness don't seem to coexist easily with my opinions. but I am trying!)

I think singleness is precious! I am really enjoying it. Recently God has given me so much rest about it- and He has done so in a peculiar way. He basically implanted a feeling in my heart that I am not single at all! I am claimed, and I belong to someone. This is true for two reasons:

1- I belong to Jesus!! He leads me as a man should, and He is the sole source of my refuge. He has told me:
"Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame...For your Maker is your husband." (Isaiah 54:4-5)

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; You are Mine." (Isaiah 43:1)

2- I believe my husband is out there, and I already consider myself his wife. I pray for him, and I am very concerned about preserving myself for him emotionally (and other ways too). Of all the people in the world I might possibly want to date or that would possibly want to date me, only one of them is my husband.

:D enough blogging. Its time to dinner :D

What a day!

2009-10-16T20:23:00.000-07:00

I am on fall break, and the transition from business to laziness did not settle well with me at all. I woke up late and did a whole lot of nothing for most of the day, which then snowballed into guilt. Eventually I just wished I could re-do the day.

Dad had invited the Horsfalls and the Smiths to meet him downtown for a casual ballroom dancing lesson, and he asked if I would be willing to join and help him teach. I was thankful to get out of the house and be around people, thinking it would help me to get out of my mini-rut. We all met at an Abry's parking lot downtown and walked together to a small dancefloor my dad knew of, and we had so much fun! I absolutely loved watching Eric & Em and Ryan & Lydia having fun with each other to the music, and I loved watching my dad teach them. I know he loves to teach people, and the grin on his face was so heartwarming! I was very thankful to see them all and to pass out hugs and laughs.

The thankfulness was starting to seep into my heart again, and as we finished dancing and started walking back to the cars, I was just beginning to tell myself that I shouldn't feel so bad about my first half of the day. When we arrived at the Arby's parking lot, dad laughed and told us that our cars had been towed. We all laughed too, until we realized that he wasn't kidding!

So fastforward about half an hour- Dad is sorting out the situation at the booth and paying for everyone's cars (he admitted it was all his fault anyway for telling them to park there). Lydia and I are joyfully laughing about the situation with Ryan, and Em & Eric are practicing some Rumba dance moves they had just learned, on the sidewalk!! It was freezing outside, and we waited for a long time. But we joked the entire time, never failing to acknowledge the fact that we had a great night together, and nothing could change the past! I was so thankful, and I even said, "You guys, there is no one I would rather be stuck in this situation with!" Dad came down and hugged me, wrapping me in his coat. We swayed back and forth and he said, "I love you, Emily." I told him I loved him too. Soon we all had our cars back and we were heading our separate ways.

As I was driving home, I was listening to music and just telling God outloud how thankful I was- and I laughed with Him too. I prayed and asked for forgiveness for losing touch earlier in the day, and He really helped to put some things into perspective. (Apparently I was really overreacting :-p) I stopped talking to Him for awhile and just enjoyed the drive and the music. I got lost of the way home. It gave me more time to talk to Him, so I didn't mind. Anytime something I was thankful for came to mind, I just told Him THANK YOU. When I was about 5 minutes away from my driveway, I remembered the moment where dad hugged me and told me he loved me. I told God thank you SO MUCH for that moment. Then, it all hit me, and it hit me hard: I don't deserve ANYTHING I have. I reflected on how hard it was for me to forgive myself for such a small thing, and I realized how blessed I am to have a God who is more forgiving than I am. I don't even deserve to be forgiven, no one does. Yet not only did He wash me clean and promise me a spot next to Him in heaven, He blessed me with such a good life, full of love and friends and dancing and tow away zones!

I balled my eyes out. It was a strange feeling, one I have never had before. I was almost sad. I felt so unworthy, yet so thankful at the same time. I even told God, "Okay! You can stop now!" Why does He love me so much? It just blew me away. Why do I still ask Him for things, when He has already given me everything? So much more than I deserve.

I parked in the driveway and tried to dry my face so dad wouldn't think something had happened. But eventually I just gave up and walked in, because I couldn't stop crying! He was worried at first, but then I explained that I just had an emotional God-moment. He shared in my praises for awhile, then said, "wow. You haven't even sinned that much! You think you might be a bit of a perfectionist?" I just said "Daddy, no one is good. I may not have done anything epically horrible, but there is nothing I could do to deserve this. It isn't that I am so bad, its just that He is so GOOD!"

If I had to sum it up, I would say that there are two main things I have learned today:

1- God is so much greater than we can understand,
and
2- You haven't truly bonded with your friends until you have all done something illegal

"He does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities."
-Psalm 103:10

Coincidence?

2009-10-12T12:16:00.001-07:00

I want to tell you about my God and what He has done! (What He is still doing...) He is invincible, and He is a God of relationships. The way these two truths come together is simply breathtaking.

Last night, it brought me to my knees. With arms raised and soaked face, all I could ask Him is "WHY?" There is nothing I could do to deserve the glory of knowing Christ. If I had righteousness as white as snow, even by acts rather than His necessary grace, I still would not be deserving of such a blessing! That is the closest I can come to describing the power and beauty of a relationship with God. It is so great, comparable to nothing the human mind is capable of understanding (even when it is looking you right in the eye).

I sin. I am tainted by a history of mistakes and memories that can't leave me. I am human, thoroughly flawed and broken. Wretched, as Paul puts it. Yet when the Almighty looks at me, He sees a righteous, beautiful woman? Yes- because when He looks at me, and you, He sees His own intentions.

His intentions...now there is something I could go on and on about...

A couple months ago, I was at my mom's house helping her cook a nice dinner. Once everything was in the oven and the dishes were clean, we decided to take a break. I logged on to facebook and noticed that I had a friend request from a woman named Becki Reiser. She included a message saying something along the lines of, "hi! we have never met, but I am a good friend of your mom's and I really enjoy reading your blogs!" I was a bit confused, so I asked my mom to come over and tell me if this woman looked familiar. She then told me that she had never met a woman named Becki. I sat there for a few moments, and then I realized, hmm...I don't write in a blog either... she must have me confused with my other friend Emily! I accepted Becki's request and told her that I am not the Emily she had in mind, but a friend of Emily's is a friend of mine! She was embarassed at first, but she praised God, telling me that she doesn't believe in coincidence.

Neither do I.

We started talking, and by the end of that first day, I felt an intense longing in my heart to meet this woman face to face. Even through something as impersonal as facebook, I felt a deep connection with her- and an intense amount of respect. And what is stranger still, I missed her! and I had never met her! As the days passed and we became closer and closer, God's voice grew louder and louder in my heart as He told me that this was all intentional, that we would become a huge part of each others' lives.

I once tried to visit Ohio to meet her, but plans fell through. Finally, I was able to see her last weekend. I convinced my dad to join, which really surprised me that he was willing to drive 5 hours to join me. On the way there, he noticed that we would pass through Pataskala Ohio. This is where his parents live. He hadn't seen his parents for 25 years, as they abandoned him when he was 15, with out looking back. Of course this was hard for him. He lived in a car under a bridge, ate out of dumpsters, and forged his parents signature on school documents so he could continue his education. But it all gave him a reason to succeed.

First, that reason was bitterness. He wanted to prove his parents that he could do it with out them.Then, when I was born, that reason was me. He wanted to prove to himself that he could be the kind of father that loved his child unconditionally, the way he wished he was loved. Then, his reason became the resurrected Christ... And the rest is history. ;)

When we saw the sign for Pataskala, dad mentioned casually, "Wow. How serendipidous, maybe it's time I saw them..." We talked about it for hours. Whether or not he was ready to talk to them calmly and with grace, whether his bitterness would keep him from being a loving witness, and whether or not it would even be worth it. It was such a rich and passionate conversation, one I will always remember.

Later that night we finally arrived at Sugarcreek Ohio, where I would soon meet Becki. God blessed me with incredible one-on-one time with her! I got to hug her tight and learn more about her heart. We laughed and cried and talked together, mostly about our Lord. We talked about what He has been doing and wondered what He must be up to now. It was so deeply encouraging and exciting!! My heart has felt strangely different ever since.. All I know is that God is preparing me for big things.

Dad felt compelled to leave Ohio a day earlier than me. He began traveling home, attempting to take a different route so he could get home quicker. It just turns out that this new route led him right past his parents' drive way. He stopped. He prayed, and he entered. He embraced his mother and forgave her. He stayed there until 7am, mostly engaged in a spiritual conversation with his lost father, a man whose pride is a monolith that stands between him and the living God.

And now, the moment where it all comes together:
If I hadn't been at my mom's house that evening, if Becki had not included that short introductory message, I might never have accepted Becki's friend request.
If I never accepted her request, I would never have traveled to Ohio.
If I had been able to visit her the first time I intended to, dad would not have been able to join me.
If dad hadn't have gotten lost on the way back, he wouldn't have passed through Pataskala Ohio. He would have driven right by.
If dad hadn't been led by the spirit to leave Ohio a day early, he wouldn't have had time to reconcile with his long lost parents.
I could not have loved Becki as she deserves to be loved until we could share Christ in common. Dad could not handle seeing his parents again until he became obedient to the Spirit, until he learned about grace and love, forgiveness and discipleship.
And the Lord claimed us less than 2 years ago, in just enough time to prepare us for this plan.

And strangely enough, I know that this is not the end of the story. All I know is that God is up to something huge, that Becki will probably be in my life forever. The Lord removed 25 years of building pain and loneliness from my dad's life- effortlessly. He brought two women together that love God and love each other.

One accidental facebook friend request= several healed and reunited hearts.

My heart will not calm down.